MODERN LIFE SHANE WATSON
Don’t know if you saw the episode of The Crown when (drum roll) Camilla takes the newly engaged Diana to lunch at a restaurant called Ménage a Trois (for those of you old enough to remember that nouvelle cuisine moment).
This “meet the ex” event has no basis in fact, but it does get you thinking. Assuming both parties are well-bred ladies with no axe to grind, what could be more sensible than a good-natured husband debrief?
If you want to know what makes a man tick, his fads, foibles, pet hates, and so forth, then take some time to get to know him. Ideally go out on a boat together in high seas, or trek up a mountain on a hot day. Failing that, ask an expert, and who better to give you the full unvarnished picture than the ex?
The fictional Camilla List was, naturally, packed with observations about how to pacify the future king (don’t give him lunch, or garlic) for the benefit of someone who had spent barely any time with him. But the Camilla List could easily be adapted for civilians who are more concerned with what they’re getting into. It might go something like this:
Diet
It helps to know if your intended is a regular faster, a secret drinker, “allergic” to tequila, and so on. However, these days the big one is does he cook and, if yes, how does he feel about cooking. You want a bit of a Jamie not a full-blown Marcus Wareing. What you really want is some cooking of food you feel like eating (harder than you’d think) and Stanley Tucciesque cocktail skills.
Hobbies
‘The Camilla List’ All the things you should ask your partner’s ex
Camilla warned Diana that Charles was obsessed with gardening and this is definitely something you’d want to know about a future partner, if you didn’t already. Gardeners rise early and go to bed early and then they want to be at home for the blossom, when the azaleas are in bloom, to keep an eye on the watering and slugs. You’re never going anywhere again.
Even more important, is he a keen sailor (uh oh), a committed golfer (hmm), a vintage car nut, or (worst of all) a serious Mamil, with all the kit and plans for 100 km-aday holidays in the south of France.
Friends you haven’t met
The one who likes to go off-road biking for weeks at a time. The one who needs a sofa to crash on for months in-between relationships. The one who thinks women are awesome but he’s never met one who is funny. Or possibly the special girlfriend, not as in ex but confidante, whose opinion he seeks on matters that you fancy yourself to be pretty clued up on, eg curtains.
Strong opinions on decor
That would be bad. Insisting on a yellow feature wall, say. Though having an opinion about your appearance could tip you over the edge. You are never again wearing your hot dungarees and a Princess Anne headscarf with a cap on top if he’s a wardrobe obsessive.
Country v town
Important to know if he secretly wants to become self-sufficient in Wales, or is wedded to the family house which “just needs a bit of work”. This is one Di and Charles rift we can quite believe: his dream is creating a kitchen garden, yours is being able to slam the door, take off and leave the window box to wilt (in the old world, that is).
Having a holiday destination
As in a place he likes to return to again and again where he orders the same drink in the same bar at the same time. (See locked-in gardening syndrome).
Buddy up with a Camilla. There is still time.
Gardeners rise early and want to keep an eye on the slugs. You are never going anywhere again