Bill Bailey’s Strictly scare
My legs just stopped working
So this is it. After nine weeks of dancing, training, and more training, I find myself in the grand final. Oti and I have to dance three times this Saturday – a judges’ pick, a Showdance, and one of our choice. The judges have chosen the Quickstep, which we danced to Bobby Darin’s If I Could Talk to the Animals.
I have a great fondness for this routine, as it was the first ballroom dance I had of the series. It seemed to me to be the very essence of what ballroom should be, whirling around the dancefloor at high speed, feet lightly tripping across the floor on patent-shoe-clad toes, a classy-looking frame and a big grin on the face. That week was a watershed moment for me as it gave me a boost of confidence, and I am delighted that the judges have picked it. I am expecting a return appearance of the computergenerated elephant, which was so realistic the first time, I had to reassure some members of the public that it wasn’t real. Good to know how convincing it is though and perhaps there’s a market for a CGI leopard in the front room to deter burglars.
The second dance is the so-called Showdance, which we will dance to Queen’s The Show Must Go On. For this dance, there are no rules so you can put anything you like into it, and that’s exactly what we’ve done. We’ve incorporated elements from all our previous routines, a touch of the Cha Cha Cha, a Paso shape here, a gancho there and so on. As it’s the final, we have also added some other theatrical elements to it, which of course I couldn’t divulge at this stage, but suffice to say, it will be dramatic and hopefully spectacular. And the song itself has taken on a greater power and significance in light of the current pandemic situation and it’s devastating effect on the live arts, and feels now like an anthem for these times.
I did have a bit of a mishap in training the other day. At one point in the routine, I am down on one knee. I am of course wearing a protective kneepad but this doesn’t help with
balance. I have to get up quickly from a kneeling position. This is not usually a problem in daily life, but this is the final of Strictly Come Dancing. You can’t just get up off the floor, you have to dance up. The long days training must have taken it out of me, and the result was, as I started to rise, stylishly, not domestically, my legs just stopped working. I froze in mid-air, and slowly toppled over onto one side. It looked like I’d been hit by a tranquiliser dart, in order to be put on a flatbed truck and moved to a different part of the game reserve. Hopefully the legs will have woken up a bit for the big night.
Our final dance will be our Couple’s Choice to Rapper’s Delight by The Sugarhill Gang. Our first version had fun and a bit of swagger, but we’ve worked on refining some of the moves, sharpening up the steps. This routine was such a joy to perform and prompted such a great reaction that, whatever else happens in this competition, I feel that this dance will be the one I remember above all the others. And, I imagine, at some point in the future when family get-togethers are allowed, someone will put this on, the floor will clear, and all eyes turn to me: “Go on, Uncle Bill!” And I’ll be ready!
Strictly Come Dancing: the Final is on Saturday on BBC One at 6pm