Johnson gets a muted reception as pesky Storm Zoom causes chaos

‘May you live in interesting times” runs the hackneyed, if apocryphal, Chinese curse. Many long for a return to “boring” politics, harking back to a golden age before referenda, before pandemics, before Brexit – a time of career politicians, coalition governments, Ford Mondeos and blue Smarties. This sentiment often erupts at particular moments, such as any intervention from Tony Blair, the Centrist Dads’ great Prince Across the Water.

At yesterday’s PMQS, I almost wondered if we had indeed made such a return. All sides ecstatically hailed the arrival of Joe Biden, as they would anyone enjoying the inestimable advantage of not being Donald Trump.

The PM’S technocratic rallying call reverberated across the Atlantic. “Build Back Better!” he cried. The Leader of the Opposition, not to be outdone, praised “a victory for hope over hate”.

Uncannier even than the violent agreement was an opening question that had nothing to do with either Covid or Brexit. Speaking v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, Sir Keir Starmer reprimanded Mr Johnson in peevish maiden aunt mode for a recent Home Office data blunder. “That’s not an answer to my question and it was the most basic of questions,” he muttered waspishly.

While Sir Keir channelled David Blunkett, Alexander Stafford of Rother

Valley provided the reassuring spectacle of a proper old-school Law and Order Tory: tough on crime and anti-social behaviour. He demanded to know whether the PM intended to back his campaign to restore a police presence on the mean streets of South Yorkshire – Dinnington High Street.

For a moment it felt like “business as usual”. But any sense of normality soon evaporated; for today was the day the lamps went off all over Parliament.

What followed was a virtual “perfect storm”, featuring every possible technical glitch, breakdown and Zoom meeting nightmare.

Nicola Richards of West Bromwich East, visible but muted, had to be told to activate her mic. “Speak!” implored Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle dramatically, like Gielgud’s Hamlet to the spectre on the Elsinore ramparts.

Ian Blackford, gearing up for a rant, had evidently exceeded the waffle bandwidth of his Internet Service Provider. This boldly went where no man had gone before, succeeding in silencing the SNP’S normally voluble spokesman. “I somehow think we’ve lost Ian Blackford,” cried the Speaker with only a token attempt at regret, as the Chamber rang out with cheers.

Even Neil O’brien, the Honourable Member for Twitter, took a break from cataloguing the errors of lockdown-sceptical journalists on social media to attend PMQS. But Poiro’brien had not reckoned on his phone, which rang an excruciating number of times – though he gamely persisted with his question on health borders and mutations.

The Speaker presided over the chaos like a seasoned game-show host battling technical faults. All the same, with deliverance from the Donald accomplished, for Mr Speaker’s sake we must hope the toppling of the Zoom regime is likewise not too far away.

‘Any sense of normality soon evaporated: for today was the day that the lamps went off all over Parliament’