Are you suffering from parental burnout?
With no end to lockdown in sight, Anna Maxted charts the cause and effects of this increasingly common condition
Anyone buckling under the extraordinary, crushing pressure of trying to educate, nurture and safeguard their children, while keeping their job, relationship, and home intact, will be unsurprised to learn that parental burnout is a real condition. Psychologists define it as a syndrome of acute exhaustion, brought on by chronic stress related to the role of raising children.
Anecdotally parental burnout is epidemic, particularly among women, who are twice as likely to experience it than men. Experts describe it as “a serious condition that urgently requires more attention”. Only then can we effectively address and protect ourselves against it. While not every weary mother or father is burnt out, many (good) parents believe they’re close to it – yet still feel guilty for “moaning.”
So how does it manifest? “Parental burnout encompasses four main symptoms which appear in stages,” says Moïra Mikolajczak, professor of psychology at the University of Louvain in Belgium, who has led the research in this field. “The first is exhaustion – not fatigue which disappears after three or four good nights’ sleep. Exhaustion is much more pervasive.” When you’re suffering, even the thought of what’s required of you as a parent is “too much”, she says.
Eventually, “as a defence mechanism, you emotionally detach from your children. You will do what’s absolutely necessary, but you don’t have the energy to be involved in the relationship,” she adds.
Kelly, 39, from Bristol, has three children aged two, five and seven. Her lawyer husband is at the office working 12 hour days. She runs a PR company. “I am so tired, and definitely burned out,” she says. “It feels like an existence rather than a life. For all the lovely cuddles. I’m worn down. There’s no real reprieve. Toddlers are hard work in the house, and the weather’s terrible.
“Normally, you’d wear them out with a gym class, or playgroup. We’re stuck inside unless we wade in the mud in the local park.”
Last March, though stressed, she had energy. “We had a schedule, we’d do PE with Joe, a science project. Nearly a year on, getting up and facing the day and doing it all again is a real struggle, especially when I’ve been woken five times by my kids,” she says.
“It feels like a roller-coaster I can’t get off of. I feel sick and stressed, and I want to cry, but I have to keep going.”
Mikolajczak adds that, “burnt out parents still love their children very much” but experience the awful suffering of not enjoying being with them.
The fourth symptom is a sense of contrast “between the parent you were, and the one you have become”.
Irritability and impatience is common in burnout. While many parents want to scream at their children or even shake them, she adds, mostly we control ourselves. In more extreme cases, however, Mikolajczak says that parents lose their ability to hide their impatience. “Then verbal violence, or later, physical violence might kick in,” she warns.
Daniella*, 35, from Leeds feels that looking after and homeschooling her children aged eight and four, while trying to work, are pushing her close to burnout. “Earlier this week, they both refused to do anything at all. I was so frustrated, I ended up absolutely screaming at them, and I felt awful. I apologised, but I’ve been wracked with guilt since. I felt that moment of complete loss of control.”
She adds: “It feels like there’s no respite. It’s very intense with young children. When you’re in charge of them you’re on duty the entire time.
“I’m worried how this is affecting them – especially if they’re being yelled at by their parents, at what is already an anxious time for them too.”
No wonder those with parental burnout are prone to sobbing fits.
“They say, ‘I don’t recognise myself, and I burst into tears’,” says Mikolajczak, “The guilt is overwhelming.”
Neglect, in severe cases, is another possibility.
“They become so detached – they know they should watch over their young children, or adolescent, but don’t have the energy,” she explains.
As with general burnout, parental burnout is an extreme stress disorder, and has physical symptoms too. When Mikolajczak’s team looked at levels of cortisol (a marker of chronic stress) in the hair of 100 parents seeking treatment for parental burnout, they found it was twice as high as in 70 parents who weren’t burnt out. High levels of circulating cortisol can lead to disrupted sleep, or gastrointestinal disorders for example, says Mikolajczak.
Studies show burnout affects five per cent of parents, and Mikolajczak notes that personality can be a vulnerability or a protective factor.
“We’ve shown that parents who are perfectionists are more vulnerable to parental burnout,” she notes.
Cultural and societal pressures also contribute. At least one parent I spoke to felt her condition was worsened by judgment on social media.
So how can we help ourselves? Mikolajczak says it’s about rebalancing – reducing parental stress-enhancing factors, and boosting your resources. But of course, the current problem is most of our support networks are unavailable. This means common sense is key.
Compensate. Play to your strengths (and your children’s). Seek out quality time together – not the high-pressure, teachable-moment sort.
“Often parents seek to do things for their children or to educate them,” she says, but if you hate cycling, don’t force yourself on a family bike ride. However, if you love Harry Potter films, for example, make time to watch them together.
“It’s not educational activities that are the most important, but things that nurture the parent-child relationship,” says Mikolajczak. So if a father likes to play video games with his children, and that increases the attachment between them, that’s good. And the child who has been given attention may be more inclined to lay the table.”
Don’t be hard on yourself or your children if little is achieved in homeschooling.
“Lower your expectations. Or life will be impossible,” she suggests.
Equally, you might allow your teen five hours of gaming – even if normally, the maximum is two. She points out the difference between “softening your principles”, and the dreaded “rage-quit”.
“If you say, ‘I don’t care anymore! If you don’t want an education, that’s your problem. If you want to game for five hours, do it!’ that’s not lowering expectations. That’s giving up. Your child will react very badly because he’ll feel abandoned.
“But [it might be more constructive] if you say, ‘You can’t see your friends, there’s not much to do. So for the next month I will allow you to play five hours a day, but I expect this in return …’,” she says.
Mikolajczak adds, “Don’t be afraid of requiring peace from your children.” Her six-year old, for example, isn’t allowed to follow her mother into the bathroom.
Be kind to yourself. We can’t always prevent a two-year old from falling, she says, “but then, because he fell, he will be more careful. Letting our children experience difficulties is also a way to allow them to develop resilience and strength.’
‘I’m worn down. There’s no real reprieve. I feel sick and stressed’