If there’s life on Mars, they’ll want to keep it that way…
Huge excitement as the Perseverance Rover, equipped with a microphone, touched down on Mars. Nasa’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory has now released the first sounds ever recorded on the surface of the Red Planet. A gust of wind is plainly audible. What has so far been kept back from transmission, for fear of arousing concern among the public, is a series of other noises.
This newspaper, however, has now obtained the recordings in full, from which I bring you the edited highlights:
[Wind, rustling, scratching.]
A: “Pop the kettle on, love.” [click, bubbling]
B: “Right you are. Fancy a biscuit?” A: “Wouldn’t say no. Got anything else?”
B: “Bag of those mini Earth Bars you like.”
A: “Ooh, yes pl—what the bloody hell’s that?”
B: “What’s what?”
A: “That. Look. Parked right in front of the house, without so much as a by—”
B: “Six wheels and all. Same as the last one.”
A: “And the one before that. Bloody Earthling drivers. Think they own the place.”
B: “Not that old rubbish again. Is there life on Mars? I blame David Bowie whoever she is. Why can’t they stick to their own planet? It’s got greens and blues and all.”
A: “Very nouveau. What’s wrong with ordinary decent red, I’d like to know?”
B: “Shall I call Reg at the council?” A: “Good idea. He gave the last one a ticket for parking on the residents’ crater.”
B: “And d’you remember when he had that one towed away, the one that said ‘Beagle 2’ on it? That was a laugh.”
A: “Serve ’em right. I don’t mind foreigners, got nothing against them, but why they keep landing here and cluttering up the place? Sooner we go our own way the better.”
A and B, in unison: “Get Maxit done!”