How to say sorry better

Do we apologise too much? Thirty-one per cent of British adults think so, according to a Yougov poll of more than 1,600 Britons and 1,000 Americans.

Many apologies are understandable and appropriate. The poll found, for example, 84 per cent of Britons said they would apologise for turning up late to a meeting, and 73 per cent if they interrupted someone. At the same time, however, 36 per cent admitted apologising to someone who bumped into them, and 10 per cent would say sorry if someone interrupted them.

It seems Americans also apologise surprisingly often, although less than most Britons. The poll found 73 per cent would say sorry for turning up late to a meeting, and 71 per cent if they interrupted someone. However, only 24 per cent would say sorry to someone who bumped into them, and a mere 7 per cent would apologise to someone who interrupted them.

The poll results also indicate women are significantly more likely to apologise than men. But Karina Schumann and Michael Ross, then at the University of Waterloo, suggest this is misleading. When they asked 66 undergraduates to record for 12 days whenever they were rude and when they apologised, men and women reported apologising equally often – for around 80 per cent of acts they considered to be transgressions. The difference was that women recorded more of what they described as a transgression, which is what makes it seem women apologise more often.

Is it beneficial to apologise as often as we do? Depending on how you go about it, the answer is yes.

Prof John Gottman, of Washington University, advises that an effective apology requires the individual to assume responsibility for their transgression – “I was wrong” – and show empathy – “I realise I hurt you in X way”. David Chan at Singapore Management University advises also to ask forgiveness and to offer amends.

When an apology is given, offering to make amends appears to be important to young children. Bruce Darby and Barry Schlenker at the University of Florida asked participants aged five to 12 to judge an actor who bumped into someone or caused them to fall off playground equipment; then either failed to apologise, did so perfunctorily, more elaborately, or apologised and offered to make amends. When the actor apologised more elaborately – and particularly when they offered to make amends – children were less likely to ascribe blame, more likely to forgive, and expressed greater liking for and a more positive evaluation of the transgressor.

You’ve probably said or done something you now regret, particularly during this last stressful year. A sincere apology would release you from ruminating about the event, and would validate the other person’s feelings.

Here’s a formula to help:

1. Say you’re sorry, clearly and simply.

2. Explain why you regret what you did or said, showing understanding of how the other person felt.

3. Accept responsibility, without excuses.

4. Offer to make amends if the other person can suggest how to do so.

5. Explain how you’ll avoid repeating that same mistake.