Subtitles on TV make even this lapsed reader feel literary

Sometimes, just sometimes, celebrities can change a life. Take Stephen Fry, who has just pleaded with parents to switch on the subtitles for television and films et al, so that children can be tricked into reading.

That’s certainly upended my universe. If watching telly counts as literature, then it’s time for me to unveil my crazy-but-it-might-just-work post-lockdown initiative: a book group without the need to read books.

How great would that be? Nobody has the time to plough through an improving classic these days – because we’re all streaming the gripping first season of Behind Her Eyes.

But turn on the subtitles and, hey presto, we’ve practically read the book.

I could invite all my girlfriends and call it Netchicks & Thrill if it’s a whodunnit, Netchicks & Trill if it’s a musical, or just Netchicks & Fill because, let’s face it, the whole thing is just an excuse to get together and neck boatloads of wine midweek.

Imagine it: a lovely gossipy evening without the guilt of not having read The Thursday Murder Club?

I was a slacker in my previous book group. I hoped the fact I’d interviewed quite a few of the authors – Maya Angelou, Patricia Cornwell and Robert Harris – might be a counterbalance. Instead, it all got a bit suburban and “judgy” and someone suggested I leave.

In lockdown, I’ve barely read a book, but I’ve sat through all manner of execrable guff on telly. There have been times when I’ve felt Netflix is holding me hostage and BBC iplayer is trying to break my spirit. And then along comes The Serpent or White House Farm, and all is forgiven. It’s been a godsend and, as watching TV has been the only thing we’ve done, it’s the only thing we’ve talked about. In my darker moments, I’m reminded of that scene in Matilda where her horrible father berates her for reading, because “there’s nothing you can get from a book you can’t get from television faster”.

Chastening to think the pandemic has made such a philistine of me. Not forever, I hope, but for now I think might be on to a ratings winner.