What to do if you dislike your child’s friend

If you’re a parent, at some point it’s almost certain your child will choose a friend or partner you don’t like. You may have been reminded of this recently, now that we’re able to meet up with another household.

A common first reaction is to discourage, even forbid, the relationship in an attempt to protect your child from making what you believe to be a mistake. That’s not a good idea for a number of reasons, most importantly because you’re suggesting to your child that they lack good judgment and can’t be trusted to make their own decisions. This message damages self-esteem and means your child will be less likely to confide in you in future, lest you show further disapproval.

Paradoxically, your disapproval may also mean the friend becomes more, rather than less, attractive to your child. Richard Driscoll at the University of Colorado called this the “Romeo and Juliet effect”. Similar studies suggest other, equally unsatisfactory outcomes. Colleen Sinclair at Mississippi State University found, for example, when family or friends disapprove of or interfere in an adult child’s relationship, the couple in that relationship start to criticise one another more and trust one another less.

Either way, the research suggests that trying to manage your child’s choice of friends or partner only makes them feel anxious, unconfident and unhappy. You also deny them the opportunity to draw their own conclusions about choices they make and figure out for themselves any actions they need to take.

Of course, if your child’s in danger then you have to step in. But if you simply don’t like the friend or partner they’ve chosen, what’s the best way to proceed?

Make sure your child knows they can always come to you if anything worries them, and that if they do you’ll stop what you’re doing to listen fully and nonjudgmentally. Ask questions that might help them reframe their problem, but don’t offer advice unless you’re asked. François Poulin at the University of Quebec found children and adolescents who felt they could talk freely to their parents and ask advice showed positive social and behavioural adjustment, whereas those who felt their parents were intrusive (rather than accessible) showed poor adjustment.

Although you may not feel like it, it’s best to welcome the friend to your home. If you get to know them better, you might discover they have positive qualities as well as the aspects you dislike – and any positive qualities are more likely to emerge if they feel accepted. You might also – if you’re honest with yourself – discover that some of the things you dislike about the friend expose prejudices you may not have been aware you hold. Good: now you can let them go.

Finally, rather than showing disapproval, look for opportunities to talk generally about what makes for a good friendship. Poulin found stable friendships are those in which there are few dominance attempts, conflict or rivalry; and where friends feel free to self-disclose and know they will be supported.