Starmer’s asking the questions but he doesn’t quite fit The Bill
The barber had evidently descended on Downing Street; replacing the PM’S usual fuzzy thatch with a coronet of blond thistledown. Shorn Samson-like of his power source, Boris Johnson staged an initially muted turn at yesterday’s PMQS, and – unlike the biblical strongman – mostly failed to bring the House down about his opponent’s ears.
For ex-barrister Sir Keir Starmer, however, David Cameron was the gift that kept on giving. Starmer, a natural Roundhead, was drawn to the scent of Tory sleaze like a police sniffer dog to a cocaine stash. “He talks of the lobbying act. Who was it who introduced that legislation?” asked the prosecutor. “David Cameron.”
“Who was it who voted for the legislation?” he scoffed, waving theatrically across the floor. “Half the Conservative front bench. I rest my case in relation to THAT legislation!”
In their heavy mourning attire and black ties, the adversaries looked like a pair of plain clothes detectives giving evidence in court. Starmer had even adopted a mockney policeman patois, at times he sounded like an actor auditioning for a role in The Bill. I half-expected an “’Allo, what’s going on here, then?”
He mocked Cameron “campin’ out in the Saudi desert, ’avin’ a cuppa tea” with Prince Mohammed bin Salman, and grew enraged by Boris’s attempts to dodge Greensill questions through whataboutery. When the PM finally deployed his trump card; Labour’s recent rehire, Prince of Darkness and King of Lobbying, Peter Mandelson, Starmer grew exasperated. “That’s the shoplifter’s defence – everyone else is nickin’ stuff, so why can’t I?” His newly animated rival stirred Johnson, who embraced a different gambit; resting on his laurels. “While he was prosecuting MPS, I was cutting crime in London by 23 per cent!” he crowed.
“This gets weaker and weaker,” chuckled the leader of the opposition – his tone implying a metaphorical finger-wag. The favourable circumstances had put Starmer in a jaunty mood, with countless mentions of his halcyon days at the bar. “It does take me back to my defence days in the crown courts – just ridiculous,” he added, with a gimpish little snort.
A pitched battle of gratuitous Line of Duty references ensued. Starmer’s only problem was his party’s invincible ignorance of the hit show. “Ted Hastings and AC-12 are needed to get to the bottom of this one,” he quipped, but attracted only mystified silence. The Tories erupted into giggles as the PM dragged in a Line of Duty reference by its ears: “Yes, we are getting on with rooting out bent coppers, Mr Speaker!” Certain as death or taxes, Ian Blackford was angry – this time about legal challenges to the Scottish Parliament. His portentous rant culminated in a sign-off so cringeworthy that it wouldn’t warrant inclusion in New Tricks, let alone Line of Duty – “See you in court!” Blackford bloviated, Johnson blustered, Starmer keened and a rowdy PMQS drew to a close. And bonus – it was only 30 minutes long!