Freewheeling PM makes final pitch as Labour looks a loser-in-waiting

Ahead of “Super Thursday”, Boris Johnson descended on the Midlands like a profligate Easter bird inspecting his golden eggs across the region. He drank a pint in Wolverhampton – soon to be flush with Future High Streets Funding – spoke warmly of the HS2 interchange at Solihull, and tried out the new West Midlands cycle hire scheme. The Tories may have abandoned London, but Boris hasn’t forgotten his eponymous velocipede.

He was up at the crack of dawn to cycle the Stourbridge Canal towpath with Andy Street, the West Midlands Mayor. Street rode with tense desperation – clutching his handlebars like Softy Walter on his first day aboard a two-wheeler. He looked uncomfortably conscious of the potential for disaster in front of the watching media pack.

Boris who has always relished offbeat photo opps (and cycling expeditions at odd times of the day and night) seemed far more relaxed. He waved airily at the cameras – look, Mummy, no hands! – exuding the exultant glee of a child riding without stabilisers for the first time. While other politicians try to dodge bananas, bacon sandwiches, anything that might make them look absurd on camera, the PM embraces props – the jokier, the better.

Interviewed at a cricket pavilion later, he tried not to sound too bullish, despite the favourable polls. “It’s a very tough set of elections,” he declared, striving not to smirk. “We’ll be fighting for absolutely every vote!”

Up in Pontefract, Sir Keir Starmer was also trying to manage expectations. On the stump with West Yorkshire mayoral wannabe Tracy Brabin, he manfully attempted to stick to jobs, education, inequality – anything but the dreaded Hartlepool result.

“We’re having a very positive reception on the doorstep, we’re going into tomorrow in good spirits,” he told the BBC, contorting his features into an approximation of a cheery grin.

He looked every inch a beaten man – but, like a latter-day Captain Oates, one ready to accept defeat nobly. “Whatever the results are,

I will take responsibility – as I take responsibility for everything in the Labour Party,” he faltered. An improvement on Jeremy Corbyn for sure, who blamed defeat on Brexit, the BBC, Tory press barons, Mossad – everyone except himself – but these were the words of a loser already preparing to lick his wounds.

There was yet more humiliation for luckless Sir Keir in Lancashire: Beth “The Brute” Rigby of Sky News ramming and twisting the knife mercilessly while tailing him down the high street.

“When you come up here, are you recognised, or do people still not know who you are? You’re going to have a really bad election, aren’t you?”

“Look, we’re sailing into a very strong headwind,” mumbled Starmer, perhaps hoping to deflect her with corporate verbiage. Eventually he extracted himself but remorseless Rigby had unfinished business.

As he chatted to Labour candidates, she pounced on a shopper walking past.

“’Scuse me, I’m Beth from Sky. That man over there,” she said, gesturing at Starmer – “do you know who he is?” “No.”

“It’s Keir Starmer”

“Right.”

“Do you know who he is?”

“No idea.”

Even true-blue Tories must pity Sir Keir’s plight. Slam the Government and you’re Captain Hindsight, support the Government and you’re a pointless collaborator – the great disappearing man. Perhaps that’s why after a year of his leadership we still have no idea what he stands for.

‘While other politicians try to dodge bananas, bacon sandwiches … the PM embraces props’’