SHANE WATSON
Signs you’ve been working from home for too long If they strike a chord, it’s time to get back to the office…
There is nothing to deter you from eating last night’s curry out of the foil container slumped in a deck chair
As you will be aware Rishi Sunak has spoken on the subject of Working From Home. The jury is no longer out. It’s no longer obviously better for a well balanced life, good for pollution and kinder to the dog to WFH, it is potentially career stalling. If you want to “get on”, Rishi says, you need to get back to the office.
At last, a voice of reason to counter all those bleating on about finding your own working rhythm. As a WFH veteran – who once rented an office space 50 yards from my house – I know the dark side of WFH, and so would you if you gave it enough time. Here are some of the many reasons to say no to WFH.
Your work will become a lonely, plodding, miserable obligation. If we’re talking about actual work, you can’t just shout across the room: “Oi Adam, have you got the thing… OK give that bit to Jess… Hang on… it’s missing the other bit.” That, in WFH world, is three texts, one phone call, two arse-covering triple cc’d emails, one “sorry can’t open document” email and a terrible start to the day.
If we’re talking about the perks of being at work and immediately post work, especially on a Friday, how long have you got? Is the office not your instant pop up, just add deadlines, funtimes and social life? Is it not where you go to hoot with laughter (in between getting stuff done), share problems (in between meeting deadlines) and occasionally get lucky? Don’t get me wrong, never apply for a job based on how hot the staff are rumoured to be, but you might accidentally, once in a blue moon, find yourself having what used to be called a stationary cupboard romance. Now it’s probably called Hot The Other Sort Desking.
You will get paranoid. The “All fine thanks” email from your immediate boss. Is that “all fine thanks” or more like “increasingly finding can manage just fine without you?” If you’re in the office you feel better about yourself. Usually.
You will start drinking cocktails at two minutes past six to mark the end of the working day. Over time you’re lucky if a drink activates the switch to non-work mode; mostly you will feel like someone skiving in their own living room. You will feel on edge, desperate to check your emails and inexplicably guilty (who knows how much everyone else is doing?). WFH means feeling like you are being tested all the time and found wanting.
You will get Haven’t Spoken All Day Voice. Someone will call and you will answer in the voice of Darth Vader, or Kate Bush, because you haven’t used your voice since shouting at the Today programme. Also you will become noise sensitive. You are living in a library environment, 10 hours a day, so when the fridge judders you jump.
You will get doorbell dread. Another big downside of WFH is all the unsolicited people – selling stuff, getting sponsored, looking for cats – and the neighbours’ endless Amazon deliveries. If you’re the loser WFH you will need to create a sorting system in your hall with a slot for the people opposite, one for No 10, and a section for footballs that come over the fence.
You will get fat. WFH not only are you going nowhere, you are within easy swivelchair-wheeling distance of snacks and there is nothing to deter you from eating last night’s curry out of the foil container slumped in a deck chair.
You will develop AHSA (Acute House Shambles Awareness). Wherever you position your desk – and there’s not much choice – you will find yourself distracted by junk. Worse, you will never again be able to say: “Sorry, about the filthy mess… just got back.”
You will resent people coming home and interrupting you WFH. Namely the young adults, whose home is now your no cut off work zone.
Don’t just get back to the office. Run.