The dreadful consequences of splitting the bill

Straight down the middle or only pay for what you had? Guy Kelly advises on every awkward scenario

If you ever need your thoughts provoked, you could do worse than head over to Mumsnet’s “Am I Being Unreasonable? (AIBU)” forum. On it, users post anything – literally anything – that has irked them, disturbed them, or made them feel like committing grievous bodily harm, then crowdsource whether they are right to feel that way.

Sometimes they’re surreal – “AIBU to think Richard Osman is a Sex God???” someone asked recently – but often these questions reveal the hidden divisions in our passive aggressive society. So it was yesterday, when a user called “notonyournelleee” posted about a birthday meal she attended with five friends.

She was the only non-drinker, she explained, but when the bill came, somebody suggested they split it equally, £40 each (instead of her £19 share). Not on your nelly, said notonyournelleee. “You’ve all drunk quite a bit and I’ve had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?” They acquiesced, but “the atmosphere was a little odd after that”. The next morning, the birthday girl got in touch to say she’d been “really out of order”.

It’s a debate nobody has had to worry about for about 16 months: under what circumstances is it OK or unreasonable to split a bill in a restaurant? Here are some quandaries.

If you didn’t drink

Depends, really, doesn’t it? If everyone else had cocktails, wine, shots, coffees, a liqueur, a Jägerbomb, then bought the waiting staff a Limoncello... but all you had was a sparkling water and some fresh mint tea, you have a right to feel aggrieved.

On the other hand, what if your Seedlip Kombucha Pomegranate Virgintini is basically the same price as the Châteauneuf-du-pape?

Conclusion Let’s declare a basic rule: if the drinkers’ total would be within £5 of yours, you all split it evenly. If more, kick up such a fuss that they not only give in, but never invite you out with them again. Everyone’s a winner.

If they’re a wine snob

Fair share: What if you had sparkling water, but they ordered Châteauneuf-du-pape?

with your friends Winston and Laura, and delegate the wine list to Winston, because you know what happens if he doesn’t get to perform his famous interest in viticulture. The wine he chooses is fine – red, you believe – only when the bill comes, you notice it was £120. You’d have gone for the house.

Conclusion Why are you friends with Winston anyway? Laura can’t be that fun. He should get the wine, if he likes it that much.

If your dining partners are a lot richer than you

Interesting. Imagine you and your partner are out for a simple postspaceflight meal with Jeff Bezos and his girlfriend, Lauren. You’re all having such a tremendous time – yacking about gilets, how popular you are with your employees, how Richard Branson didn’t even go that high up when you think about it, how much you wish you could pay more tax but it’s just so fiddly – that you forget it’s quite a pricy menu. “Split it down the middle?” he says when the bill comes, because that’s how he came to be worth £139billion. What can you do?

Conclusion In general, you probably should have exerted more influence over the restaurant and food choices. But in this specific situation, do a runner. Sod Jeff.

If they’ve got teenage/lots of kids, and you have small ones/ none

Adorable Trixabelle had two chicken fingers from the kids’ menu, your friend’s rugby-playing 17-year-old twin oafs had four mixed grills and a pitcher of Carling, without contributing anything to the conversation.

Conclusion Without causing a scene, or provoking an oaf, gently ask whether your friend has mistaken you for Marcus Rashford, because clearly this lunch has been a fundraising exercise in feeding children. What next? Splitting school fees?

You’re a vegan, they’re meat eaters

On a mixed menu, the vegan and vegetarian dishes tend to be a lot cheaper than, say, the steaks. Everyone knows this. It has been the way since veggies had to eat stuffed peppers at every third restaurant.

So what’s the etiquette when your courgetti is £8 and Kevin’s Chateaubriand is £80?

Conclusion Insist you pay separately. If the carnivores say no, tell them you cannot be perpetuating the global slaughter of animals. If they still say no, tell them that all of a sudden you do feel like meat, and tear off their ear with your teeth.