Allison PEARSON
Is nothing sacred? The warriors of woke have infiltrated almost every area of our lives, this week making us scared to order a “curry” after a blogger decided the word should no longer be used, because it was a “British colonial” term.
At least romantic fiction is safe from the monstrous regiment of puritans, isn’t it? Well, think again. Mills & Boon are said to be making efforts to diversify, encouraging novels with softer, more socially progressive heroes. Just imagine how excruciating a Mills & Boon written in woke would be…
Venus Virtue had been seeing Dr Igabod Ching, the celebrated climate-change campaigner and human rights lawyer, for three years. Although Venus was attracted to his vast compassion and legendary emotional intelligence, sometimes she found herself wondering why Igabod hadn’t yet done more than kiss her on the mouth. The doctor’s words resonated in her large but surprisingly firm breasts, which heaved with a longsuppressed frustration she was struggling to contain.
“You know, Venus, I respect you too much as a fellow human who identifies as a woman to make demands which you may find inappropriate or which violate your sense of personal safety.”
Venus frowned. She kept trying to tell Igabod that she was very much a woman and was happy for him to take off his fluorescent Extinction Rebellion jacket and invade her personal space. But the doctor didn’t take the hint. It was offputting when they went for sushi and he spent the entire evening talking about female genital mutilation in sub-saharan Africa, although she knew it proved how serious and good he was. Venus just wished the female genitals were hers and not being mutilated, but caressed in a pleasing manner. This lack of intimacy was a painful secret she’d shared with nobody.
Not even Henrik. Henrik, the shallow billionaire with his tanned, gymhoned torso and his handsome face somehow made ugly by his dreadful capitalism and lack of social conscience.
For a treacherous moment, an image of Henrik looking gorgeous and behaving very inappropriately popped into Venus’s mind, but she dismissed it angrily. His proposal of marriage proved he was part of the hegemonical patriarchy that had kept women prisoner for generations. No, she and Henrik could never have a future together – at least not until he promised to cut all his carbon emissions.
Venus sighed and wondered if she would have to sign a consent form before Dr Ching stopped respecting her boundaries and made a move…