And the leader you wouldn’t leave your wife with is…
If Conservative Party members really are wondering whether to replace Boris Johnson with Rishi Sunak, they have many crucial questions to contemplate. Which man inspires them with his vision for the country? Which man do they back to lead them out of the pandemic? Which man will secure a triumphant future for Global Britain?
And, most importantly of all: which man will help them put up the shelves in the spare room?
This last question, admittedly, is not one that crops up often at leadership hustings. Still, it must have some significance, because JL Partners, a leading firm of opinion pollsters, has been canvassing voters on this very issue. Indeed, the firm has been asking a whole range of unusual questions, in a bid to establish which of Mr Johnson and Mr Sunak enjoys the greater public support. And the results are eye-opening.
Take that question about home improvements. Given a choice between these two statesmen, just seven per cent of British voters would pick Boris Johnson to put up a shelf for them.
Well, I say “just”. Seven per cent may be more than he’d have expected. You know what the man’s like when it comes to anything practical. One swing of the hammer and he’d send your whole street toppling like a line of dominoes.
At any rate, Mr Sunak comfortably won this round: 44 per cent of voters would entrust their DIY to the Chancellor. Again, a surprisingly high number, given that he barely looks strong enough to lift a shelf, let alone attach it to a wall. He’s got arms like strings of linguine.
The next round of results, though, was even more striking. This time, the question was put to men only. It was: “Which of these two politicians would you prefer to take your wife out for dinner?”
Believe it or not, a fifth of the men chose Boris Johnson. Personally, I tend to think that inviting Boris Johnson to take your wife out for dinner is like hiring a crocodile to babysit your children, but at any rate, you’ve got to admire these men’s self-confidence. Then again, men do seem to have a habit of showing off to pollsters. According to Yougov, a fifth of British men – very possibly the same fifth – reckon they could beat “a large dog” in a fight. Meanwhile, 15 per cent reckon they could beat up a chimpanzee, while three per cent reckon they could beat up an elephant. Such a pity there isn’t a war on. We’d surely walk it.
But back to politics. The respondents were next asked which of the two statesmen they would trust to repay a loan of £20. Once more, Mr Sunak was the overwhelming choice, with Mr Johnson backed by a meagre 12 per cent. Possibly the other 88 per cent had heard tell of the PM’S days as a magazine editor, in particular his habit of sending interns out to buy him a coffee – while generously encouraging them to “Get one for yourself, too!” Only when they arrived at the Starbucks till would they realise that the loose change which Mr Johnson had handed them did not even cover the cost of his own coffee, let alone theirs. “Boris still owes me £2.35, 15 years on,” complained one former intern last autumn.
In Mr Johnson’s defence, however, he did pay back that extra £58,000 he needed to redecorate the
Downing Street flat. So, if the PM does ask you to lend him £20 – say, to buy himself an extra square millimetre of Lulu Lytle wallpaper – you can have every faith that you’ll get it back one day. Although it might be worth kicking up a fuss in the papers about it, just to make sure.
Either way, respondents were vastly more trusting of Mr Sunak, with 56 per cent declaring that they would happily lend him £20. It remains to be seen how they’ll feel when he asks them to repay the billions he spent on them during lockdown.
Of the remaining questions in this unorthodox poll, perhaps the most memorable was this. Respondents were asked which of the two men they’d rather be stranded on a desert island with. Once again, Mr Sunak was their clear preference. In my view, a puzzling choice. After all, Mr Johnson has far more meat on him. Our poor, scrawny Chancellor would barely even do for a snack, let alone a square meal.
Eccentric though this poll may seem, though, it shouldn’t be dismissed lightly. At heart, it’s a reminder that political appeal is never just about policy. Voters want a leader they can trust to get stuff done. Hence that question at the start about shelves.
I’ll certainly bear it in mind, when my door is knocked at the next election.
“Mr Deacon? I’m your Conservative candidate. May I count on your vote?”
“Depends. What are you going to do for me?”
“Oh, safer streets, strong economy …”
“You’ll have to do better than that. I’ve got the Labour bloke retiling my kitchen, and the Green woman’s painting the hall. How are you at grouting?”
‘Eccentric though this poll seems, it shows we want a PM who gets stuff done’