Shane WATSON
In what other country would the garden centres have reopened before the bookshops?
CThe new rules of Britishness Here’s an update on getting it right when it comes to being one of us
ouldn’t help noticing that Ruby Wax (American, resident in the UK) now identifies as English. “I feel English, I even say w----r,” she told an interviewer, going on to cite irony and authenticity as the qualities she most admires in her adopted country.
This is excellent news; people choosing to live here always makes us feel personally proud, and we’ve been looking for an excuse – post-olympics and a rare spate of guilt-free Union flag-flaunting – to ruminate on what being British means in 2021. So here goes:
New chart entry: Showing emotion
Not long ago, people were debating whether Matthew Pinsent sobbing after he won gold in Athens was seemly in a male athlete. But this year’s Olympics was wall-to-wall tears, and we’re all agreed it was the most uplifting ever. What we now have in Britain is a stiff upper lip plus wellexercised tear ducts (see Tom Daley on the podium).
Up two places: Minding disproportionately about our gardens and pets
In what other country would the garden centres have reopened before the bookshops, and the plight of Geronimo the alpaca been front-page news all summer? We were mad about dogs and gardening before the lockdowns, now we’re madder.
Up one place: Loving the unflash
Peter Kay is beloved because he’s funny, he came out of retirement to raise money for a good cause and he’s worth an estimated £43 million but, so far as we can tell, still buys his clothes in Asda and gets his hair cut by his sister.
Up two: Also loving a certain sort of show pony
Jack Grealish, Harry Styles, Laurence Llewelyn-bowen. Did we invent the hairconscious fop? Feels like we did, and they’re going absolutely nowhere.
Up one place: Bubble-bursting
For example, Kaleb in Clarkson’s Farm became the star of the show because he was the round the-clock bulls--- detector who showed up Clarkson in every scene. That’s top scores for Kaleb and Clarkson on our respectometer.
Up three places: Zero patience for entitlement
You know how the Queen always looks taken aback when a surprise special flypast is arranged for some anniversary? This is, in a nutshell, what we love about HM; she has never once been impressed by herself, and we can’t say that of everyone with a title and a Netflix deal. We also like a rock star’s wife who moonlights as a policewoman. Take a bow, Penny Lancaster.
Same position: Being silly
Other men aim to be cool and desirable, but British men would rather play the fool to make us laugh, and it seems to work as a general ruse. (Boris dangling from the zipwire in that truss waving his plastic Union flags is the main reason he made it to No10.) Incredible, but this is Britain.
Down four: Respecting bonkers behaviour, providing it harms no one
The England fan who put a firework up his bum was revolting and a public nuisance. But if you’re British, you sort-of reluctantly knew where he was coming from.
Still holding its position: The weather
Specifically refusing to be defeated by it, buying a waterproof poncho, setting our jaws and ploughing on with the sunny-day staycation plans while insisting our politicians do the same, even when they have offers of yachts and villas in the Med coming out of their ears.
Down three: Hangovers
Still the country where you can be a serious person and ring up your host of the previous night and tell him you had to pull over the car to be sick on the way to work. Ha ha ha. (Note: this one may not make the list of being British traits for much longer. The younger ones are not so drinky.)