Michael DEACON
Jeff Bezos has achieved many remarkable things. Through Amazon, he managed to change everything from the way we shop to the way we watch TV – while, in the process, becoming the richest man on Earth. Earlier this year, of course, he also became the richest man not on Earth – thanks to the rocket he built and flew to space in, just for the fun of it.
Even by his standards, though, Mr Bezos’s latest mission sounds just a touch on the ambitious side.
Because, if reports are to be believed, he wants to help us live forever.
“Bezos Funds the Quest for Eternal Life”, gasped the headline in a newspaper this week. The tech titan, it was claimed, had donated millions of dollars to scientists researching genetic reprogramming. Supposedly, their goal is to extend the human lifespan – if not indefinitely, then at least by a few more decades.
The idea is so far-fetched, I find it hard to believe it’s true. In any case, I hope it isn’t. Because it sounds utterly awful.
Imagine these scientists did manage to add an extra 50 years to our lives. What would that mean for retirement? Would we all be forced to work until we’re 116? Or would we retire at the same age as now? If the latter, there would soon be far more pensioners than workers. This working minority couldn’t possibly afford to subsidise our pensions, benefits and social care. We’d need a vast increase in the birth rate, to create millions of new taxpayers. But, unless we’re willing to pave over every square inch of Britain, there won’t be anywhere for these new millions to live. Because the existing houses will all still be occupied – by us.
So no, thank you, Mr Bezos. Tell you what would improve our lives, though.
Knowing precisely, decades in advance, when we’re going to die.
It may sound morbid. But actually it would be wonderful – because it would force us to break our most damaging habit.
Even though we know we’re not going to live forever, we often act as if we are – by constantly putting things off, as though there will always be plenty of time left to do them. Think of all the old friends we end up losing touch with, or the family members we don’t get round to calling, or the dreams and ambitions we put on the back-burner. Whether through laziness, disorganisation, complacency or cowardice, we leave so much in life until it’s too late.
Whereas if, from youth, we knew exactly how long we had left, right down to the very day, we’d buck our ideas up. We’d plan our time sensibly, to make sure we got it all done – because we’d be working, quite literally, to a deadline. As a result, our lives would be so much more focused and fulfilling.
How scientists could make this happen, I’ve no idea. Perhaps Mr Bezos could fund some research.
Scene: the Prime Minister’s study, 10 Downing Street.
Boris Johnson: Ah, Gavin. I expect you know why I’ve called you in here.
Gavin Williamson: Yes, I was just passing the Department of Health and Sadiq told me.
Boris: Sajid.
Gavin: That’s the one.
Boris: And?
Gavin: He said you’re unhappy because I met Marcus Rashford, but I thought he was Maro Itoje.
Boris: No, you met Maro Itoje, but you thought he was Marcus Rashford.
Gavin: That’s what I said.
Boris: Anyway, it’s extremely embarrassing. Makes us look terrible.
Gavin: Please don’t sack me. I keep reading these rumours that you’re going to replace me with Priti.
Boris: Kemi.
Gavin: Sorry. Honest mistake.
Boris: Very well, I’ll give you one more chance. But just make sure you don’t do it again.
Gavin: Thanks, Theresa.
At first, it may sound like a reasonable enough idea. Next month, supermarkets will be trying out new technology that can instantly work out how old a customer is – simply by scanning the customer’s face. The aim is to prevent under-18s from buying alcohol.
Naturally, this will disappoint many schoolchildren – or at least, the ones who don’t have obliging older brothers. But in practice, I suspect, it will be even more disappointing for another group of shoppers. Women.
Specifically, women in their 30s. Because these machines will cruelly deny them the pleasure of boasting to their friends that the person on the till asked them for proof of age.
Since time immemorial, being asked to show ID in the supermarket has given countless women a welcome boost to the ego, a pick-me-up after a bad day. After all, staff are instructed to demand ID from anyone who looks under the age of 25. So if they demand ID from you when you’re 30, or 35, you must look a lot younger than you are. There’s only one thing better than that. And that’s being able to tell everyone about it afterwards.
Yet, from next month, British women will be deprived of this simple joy. No supermarket employee will ever ask them to show ID again. With a single, brutal glance, the new machine will coldly wave their bottle of pinot through.
It’s already bad enough at selfservice checkouts, when an assistant marches over and briskly presses the button marked: “Customer clearly over the age of 25”. That “clearly” can wound. But this face-scanning machine sounds more dispiriting still.
We can only hope that the machine doesn’t actually say out loud what age it thinks we are. Because if, in front of the whole queue, it guesses too high, supermarkets are going to lose a lot of offended customers.
After a couple of weeks, they’ll be desperate to get the underage drinkers back.