Shane WATSON
RCelebrity couples might have earnest discussions about intimacy goals but it wouldn’t work for us
esearch just in: couples who discuss sex (you’re meant to check in with each other once every three months) are 10 times more likely to be happy. This makes perfect sense although, it must be said, it has the ring of Makes Perfect Sense But All the Same Can’t Picture it Happening. It’s in the same bracket as “take a break from your workstation every 30 minutes and do a few stretching exercises”. Or “limit your intake of alcohol if you want a good night’s sleep”. You can see it might be the best course of action, yet it doesn’t ring true to life. Meghan and Harry, Sting and Trudie, Emma Thompson and Greg, Ben and J Lo – all of the above we can imagine having earnest conversations about intimacy goals, and good for them. But it wouldn’t work for us. In the real world – at least in our world – these are the things couples really talk about in bed (some of which will relate to sex*):
1) Is The North Water better than The Terror or does The Terror just shave it on account of Jared Harris? (Would The Terror have been better without the mythical polar bear…?)
2) Did you pay the Dartford Crossing charge? Did you pay the parking ticket? Did you actually recycle the coffee pods? OK then… where did you go?
3) What can they do to prevent Emma Raducanu from being crushed by the system/ developing Mariah Carey habits?
4) Anneka or Frida? Keith or Mick?
5) We should go out to that new place and dress up and not go near the kitchen when we get back.*
6) Should we be doing Sober October, at least for the first 14 days, up until the whatsits’ big party?
7) When are the children going to be able to afford to pay for their own dental appointments?
8) Do I look like Wendy Craig in Butterflies with this haircut?
9) When did you last cut your fingernails?*
10) What if we put a shepherd’s hut in the back garden, and Airbnb’d the house?
11) We should go away… for the weekend.*
12) Do you want to see this hilarious video of a dog on a motorbike/liz Truss talking about cheese?
13) If we ask them, can we still ask them? We’re always asking them. Let’s not ask them, we look like we’re needy.
14) What am I going to say to the new cleaner about her not cleaning? She’s definitely not cleaning. But what am I going to say?
15) Do you like this curtain material… only in mustard and grey?
16) Cremation or burial?
17) Would you have married Her if you hadn’t met me? Did you think about it? What about Her? You definitely thought about her.
18) Do we now automatically get indigestion if we eat curry at night? What about cheese?* 19) It was overcooked wasn’t it? Just be honest. OK, so shall I cook it again next Saturday?
20) Let’s just ban negronis, outright.*
21) Who looks older, her or me? I don’t mind if it’s me. I am older. Six months.
22) What about this house in the property section of The Week which admittedly is on Bute and has a drawbridge and a moat, but Look at the Price!
23) What about dungarees? 24) What are we going to do about the only recently replaced creaky bed?*
25) When I lose my marbles will you leave me facing the wall in the corner? Who’s going to make sure I don’t grow a beard?
26) Do you wish we’d done something more memorable on the night of the Euros final. Should we have gone to the pub?
27) Aren’t we meant to have a cover for the barbecue, in winter?
28) Do we need to change the sheets for them or can we leave the duvet cover… since it was only Susie.
29) Can you hear the neighbours? They’re playing that Robin Hood song again. 30) Do you think people think we’re good value at parties or do they think we stay too late?