The Artful Dodger and Bill Sikes ... consider yourself told, says Sir Keir

‘Isee they’ve turned up this week, Prime Minister!”, chuckled the Leader of the Opposition, radiating his patented goofy grin around the Tory back benches. It was hard to tell whether the thronged masses behind the PM had been won over after a torrid few weeks – or whether, like the cream enveloping the crunchy meringue in an Eton Mess, they’d simply been whipped to within an inch of their lives. But there they were alright, and cheered and huzzahed in all the right places.

The Prime Minister, despite his recent setbacks, had arrived in bouncy form. Hair flapping madly, he bobbed about like a Jack-in-the-box, while the Labour leader often struggled to pin him down. Sir Keir tried posing the same question on social care multiple times, though the PM’S answer remained unchanged. “Let’s have another go,” sighed Sir Keir, in the world-weary tones of a driving instructor overseeing yet another aborted three-point turn. But the Jack-in-the-box simply bounded his way out of trouble with red herrings-aplenty, and a few complaints about Labour’s own failure to deal with the problem during its time in office.

At other moments, Sir Keir performed a passing impression of … a Telegraph editorial column. “The only thing he’s delivering is high prices, high taxes and low growth!” cried Sir Keir. He even likened Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak to a pair of pickpockets, fleecing the taxpayer in a sophisticated dual-pronged attack. “The Prime Minister is the front man – distracting people with his wild promises. All the while, his Chancellor dips his hand in their pocket.” Mr Sunak flanked the PM – the Artful Dodger to his Bill Sikes – though his masked visage betrayed no hint of his reaction.

The PM retaliated with an insult guaranteed to send Middle England rushing for their red rosettes – accusing the Labour leader of campaigning against HS2. Was this really the wisest attack line? Mr Johnson might as well have baited his opposite number for being into cricket, summer fetes or evensong.

With recent Tory debacles including hostile “Blue on Blue” briefings, Peppa-pig-gate and disobliging speculation over the PM’S grip on power, Sir Keir was keen to rub it in. His less than solicitous enquiry, like a patronising health visitor “Are you OK, Prime Minister?” raised hoots from his own benches.

Ian Blackford of the SNP attempted a full-frontal assault, but as ever, managed to overcook it with a portentous monologue.

Mr Johnson tried a risky approach. “What the people of this country want to hear is less talk about politics,” he said, and more about “what the government is doing for the people of Scotland”. Politician-splaining about what the public thinks is usually a terrible idea – especially when they’ve a fair bit to be angry about – but in this chamber at least, the PM managed to raise a few cheers from the Tory faithful. Faithful for now, at least.