Every cat owner knows their kitty is a psychopath

Anew “puss personality test” to check whether or not your cat is a psychopath has given me paws for thought. Researchers from the University of Liverpool and Liverpool John Moores University have come up with CAT-TRI+ – the first ever tool to measure the extent of your moggy’s nutbaggery.

Apparently, cats that sit in high places, torment their prey rather than killing it, purr when attacking people and dominate the neighbourhood as well as the home are the pet equivalent of Ted Bundy.

Without wishing to set the cat among the pigeons, doesn’t this description apply to all kitties?

I mean, they are called “mousers” for good reason.

Baroness Lionel of Blair, who has recently taken to grandstanding on top of the tumble dryer and sounds rather like a JCB when “playfully” clawing our eight-year-old, is a bona fide serial killer. She once beheaded not one, but two, glis glis in a single spree.

How ironic that those bushy-tailed rodents should be classed as a “destructive introduced species”, when everyone knows that that title belongs to the feline establishment of mass murderers.

This week, we learned that several cities in Australia are imposing round-the-clock curfews on cats – not because of the pandemic, but in order to protect local wildlife and “improve neighbourhood relations”.

Explaining the move in Bendigo, a city of 100,000 people north of Melbourne that has previously banned cats from going out between sunset and sunrise, the council said: “Cats will instinctively hunt and kill wildlife, even if they are not hungry.”

There are now calls to extend the cat lockdowns nationwide, with fines if they’re found outside their owners’ properties.

How to check if your cat is a psycho? Just take its pulse.