As Covid curbs return, unmasked MPS debate their favourite F-word
‘Why don’t those on the government benches wear face coverings?’ asked an MP. ‘Because we’re not on a bus,’ came the reply
The snow lifted long enough for hundreds to trek bravely into the chamber and vote, but the caucus for freedom proved small
There’s a little boozer atop a hill in London called the House of Commons which yesterday was hit by a nasty blizzard. A handful of MPS were locked in; hundreds were locked out.
It wasn’t a problem, however, because the anti-covid measures they had planned to discuss – masks, self-isolation etc – had already taken effect earlier that day (at 4am). Left to litigate a very lost cause were one Labour backbencher, one Lib Dem, a Scottish Nat who wasn’t going to vote on the subject but would be heard on it nonetheless, and a dozen Tory punters happy to spend a few hours away from the trouble-and-strife, arguing the toss over their favourite subject.
Pull up a bar stool; pour us a pint. Let’s talk freedom!
“I’m all for liberty,” said Daisy Cooper (Lib Dem), but it must stop when we spread disease and hurt other people.
“That’s missing the point,” countered Steve Baker (Con): one might choose to wear a mask to protect others, but the moment an individual is compelled to do the right thing, freedom goes out the window. Dignity, too. We face “a fundamental choice between heaven and heading towards hell”, declared Mr Baker, who preferred to be on the “path to heaven”. That said, if Heaven turns out to be non-smoking, I suspect some Tories will light up a cigar and blow smoke in angels’ faces.
“Why don’t members on the government benches wear face coverings?” demanded an MP.
“Because we’re not on a bus!” came the fruity reply.
The problem with masks, joked Sir Christopher Chope, is that very few people wear them correctly. “The World Health Organisation writes that as soon as you take off your facemask, you should wash your hands and you should discard your facemask and then wash your hands again!”
Labour MP Clive Betts told the House that miscreants who don’t wear a mask, when asked why, just make up an exemption (my friend Barry always says “athlete’s foot”) and demanded to know what could be done to ascertain the truth – reflecting the inquisitional tone that so unsettled Steve Brine (Con). Under the terms of this legislation, pointed out Mr Brine, one could be forced to go into isolation after coming into contact with a “suspected” case of the omicron variant, whatever that means.
“There’s an element of Salem witch trials about this,” he said, the debate turning hyperbolic as the hours ticked by. If this were Massachusetts in 1692, of course, Labour would be calling for preventative measures against cackling hags and the Tory backbenches would insist that being turned into a frog is a matter of personal choice.
At 3.45pm, the snow lifted long enough for hundreds of MPS to trek bravely into the chamber and vote: masks passed 434-24, isolation by 431-36. The caucus for freedom proved small.
Then, as the sun fell and the wind picked up again, most of our wise MPS, deferring to the precautionary principle, evacuated the establishment and toddled off home.