How to survive as a carer

The crisis in social care has placed even more pressure on unpaid carers, whose numbers were rising even before the pandemic. A survey by the charity Carers UK put the figure at 6.5 million in 2011; by 2019 numbers had risen to 9.1 million. Now, with additional pandemicinduced problems such as long Covid, increased mental health issues and huge numbers of individuals left deteriorating and in chronic pain as they wait for delayed procedures, the number of carers is estimated to be at least 13.5million.

For unpaid carers – anyone who looks after a family member, partner or friend who needs help with illness, frailty, disability, mental health problems or addiction – life is highly stressful. The usual advice on how to reduce stress – get a good night’s sleep, engage in regular exercise, spend time with friends, and meditate or practise mindfulness daily – is often unrealistic given their demanding routines.

So what can you do to survive the pressures of being a carer, or to help someone going through it?

Be kind to yourself. Look out for better, or at least different, ways of doing what you need to do. When Tamsyn Hawken and colleagues at the University of Bath reviewed 27 studies examining coping strategies and adjustment in caregivers, carers who avoided thinking about the challenges they faced, and/ or blamed themselves when things didn’t run smoothly reported higher rates of anger and depressed mood. Those who engaged in specific, problem-focused strategies fared best.

Take mini-breaks. Even if you can’t leave the person you’re caring for, take breaks to stand and stretch. Breathe deeply, inhaling through your nose, exhaling slowly through your mouth. Paying attention to the natural environment also lifts mood – for example, if you’re accompanying the person you’re caring for on a walk, listen for birdsong and notice trees and plants.

Take time every day for one small act of self-care. Make yourself a cup of top-quality tea or coffee, or moisturise your hands with scented lotion.

Change your self-talk. Rephrase what you say to yourself so there’s more positivity than negativity. For example, replace: “Things are much worse now,” with: “It was great seeing him smile today.”

Reach out. Many carers are afraid to ask for help. Some fear refusal, while others don’t think anyone else can care as well as they do. These justifications are both self-punitive and self-defeating.

Ask others to help you, and keep asking until someone says yes. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how many people would like to help if only they understand clearly what’s needed. It’s important, therefore, to be specific about the help you’d appreciate. That way, when you find someone willing to lend a hand, you’ll give yourself a well-deserved break, allow someone else to feel useful, and give the person you’re caring for a chance to learn that others – as well as you – care about them.