This Praetorian guard defended the PM in the manner of a long-suffering call centre worker – but there will be no reward

To say that Michael Ellis had drawn the short straw would be an understatement. It had fallen to the Cabinet Office to answer Labour MP Fleur Anderson’s “Urgent Question about No 10 parties”. The role of representing the department had trickled down the official Rolodex – past such luminaries as Steve Barclay and Oliver Dowden – to the luckless Ellis.

Paymaster General may be Mr Ellis’s technical role , but today it seemed closer to that of “last Praetorian Guardsman left standing”. These were the Roman Emperor’s personal bodyguards – his final line of defence against assassins, honour bound to defend his neck even as lesser troops melted away, switched sides or deserted.

Unlike the Praetorians, however, serving in the PM’S household army is a favour offering no conceivable reward. Pity the minister who decides to do Downing Street a favour. At the height of public indignation over Barnard Castle, the hapless Robert Jenrick was dispatched to encourage people to “draw the line” under the incident – and got the sack anyway.

Nevertheless, the Paymaster General stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. He read out his statement, impassive amidst a volley of howls and shrieks from the opposition benches. Even as the hooting threatened to drown him out he stuck rigidly to his message.

“The Prime Minister has been repeatedly assured … that there was no party, and that no Covid rules were broken”, he said. The purpose of the Cabinet Secretary’s investigation was, ”to establish swiftly a general understanding of the gatherings”. The Commons erupted into heckles. What exactly was the difference between a “party” and a “gathering”, Labour’s Angela Eagle wanted to know – but not before commiserating with Ellis on his unpleasant job. MPS recorded their lockdown tragedies and those of their constituents.

“I’m sorry for their loss”, Ellis would say, in the manner of a long-suffering call centre worker. “We are going to investigate.” But when Labour’s Afzal Khan recalled losing both his mother and father-in-law within days of each other around the same time as the alleged Downing Street knees-up, the

Praetorian one threw aside his shield.

“It was grossly inappropriate – and frankly, inexcusable – and I can say no more than that”.

An unusual defence of the Government came from Desmond Swayne, who attributed the PM’S apparent ignorance to the confusing layout of Downing Street. “It is perfectly possible to be completely isolated from what else is happening in the building”, he said (and, I daresay, from the country, too).

The news that the Prime Minister and his wife had been safely delivered of a baby girl did little to assuage their fury – instead, they merely groaned.

The Praetorian Guard prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice. “I know the Prime Minister. He is a friend of mine. I know him to be a man of honour and integrity”.

Rome may be falling, but the Paymaster General’s heroic last stand will live on in the annals of history.

‘It was inappropriate – and frankly inexcusable – and I can say no more than that’