Ominous prospect of war dwarfs a diet of champagne and nibbles

The Commons yesterday skipped from the ridiculous to the sublime, from parties to Putin. It all began with Cressida Dick announcing that the Met will investigate the lockdown frivolities in No 10, which the PM should take as a compliment. You know it’s a good party when the police are called.

Angela Rayner tabled an Urgent Question, assuming the Government must be in meltdown – only to find that No10 were tickled pink. Why? Because they thought a police inquiry might delay the release of Sue Gray’s report. They were probably reaching out to MI5 and Crimewatch as well, in the hope of knocking this thing into the middle of next year.

To protect their client, the Tories telephoned lawyer Michael Ellis (“Have you been the victim of a crime you might have committed? Let us stonewall for you!”) who arrived in the Commons with an army of MPS to push back against Ms Rayner. Isn’t it a tragedy that rather than discussing the cost-of-living crisis, said Angela, we are debating the PM’S rule breaking yet again – to which the Tories replied: “We agree! Why waste time talking about parties when we could be discussing the myriad of other things going horribly wrong?” Heating bills. Russia. The key question, said Sir Edward Leigh, is who cares about the PM “being given a piece of cake in his own office by his own staff?”

Because that’s a party, said Labour, not a legitimate business – though I have to tell them that for those of us who hate parties, every birthday feels like a work event.

The PM is innocent till proven guilty, countered Mr Ellis – at his best here, withering and funny, doing enough dirty work to earn not just a knighthood but the crown of England. The Tories turned shrill – Labour is “in cahoots with the media to undemocratically depose” Boris, said Mark Jenkinson – but Labour and the SNP, accusing the PM of living “a lush life of champagne and nibbles”, were worse, unaware that the more we get stuck into minutiae – was jelly served on May 20? Did they stick the tail on a donkey? – the more irrelevant it all seems. A hush descended. The PM swept into the chamber to deliver a statement on Ukraine, and underwent a miraculous transformation from wanted man to elder statesman.

Russia is ready to attack, he warned, the West must send arms and apply sanctions – for we “cannot bargain away a vision of Europe united and free”. Sir Keir Starmer agreed. So did the SNP. So did the Lib Dems. Indeed the only note of disagreement was from Tobias Ellwood (Con), who asked if it might be wise to send in Nato troops now, to protect a non-nato member, raising the stakes of invasion to thermonuclear war. The PM, thank God, said “no”, though added that many will be sympathetic to the argument. I looked around for Jeremy Corbyn. I couldn’t see him.

With the anti-war wing of the Labour Party in retreat, there is now no one to question confrontation with Russia, and while the establishment will call this “Parliament at its best” – because, strangely, the Commons always gets good ratings when there’s no argument – a cynic might say it was debate at its worst. Because there was none.

The PM underwent a miraculous transformation from wanted man to elder statesman