Starmer refuses to follow anyone down the yellow brick road to freedom

Storm Franklin turned into a tornado over Downing Street, lifted No10 into the air and dropped it down in a strange land of zero restrictions and unmasked faces.

Boris walked out nervously. He scooped up his puppy and said, “Dilyn, I don’t think we’re in lockdown anymore!”

At the Dispatch Box, the PM declared a new dawn of freedom, and “those who would wait for a total end to this [pandemic] before lifting the remaining regulations will be restricting the liberties of the British people for a long time”. This bravura performance was followed by Keir Starmer, the Wizard of Zzz, his uninspired speech obviously focusgrouped before an army of flying monkeys.

What do the voters like, guys? “We polled the monkeys, Keir, and they said football and the Second World War.”

“If you’re 2-1 up with 10 minutes to go,” said the Labour leader on free testing, “you don’t sub off one of your best defenders.” He continued: “You can’t turn off Britain’s radar before the war is won.” So why has Labour been screaming blue murder about the cost of Test and Trace? Tory Lee Anderson offered a solution: end lockdowns “except for the clinically vulnerable, elderly and the Labour front bench”.

In a twist on the tale, the Tories seemed to have woken up to reality – that lockdown destroys the economy and health – whereas the opposition benches are still stuck in Oz. The Government’s plan is reckless, said Caroline Lucas (no courage); the Prime Minister is taking a gamble, said Hilary Benn (no heart); he is undermining Scotland, said Ian Blackford (no brain). A sensible complaint was raised by Ed Davey, that with free testing gone, carers who don’t want to pass anything on might have to pay big bucks to find out if they are infectious – but, by labelling this a “tax on caring”, Davey ruined his case. Free tests are not free. They are paid for by the taxpayer.

The most intelligent point, by far, was made by Sammy Wilson of the DUP, who asked what can be done to “nudge” a frightened public back to freedom – a question I had put in my column that very morning, and I felt a surge of relevance and pride.

Until the PM replied, “Set an example, go back to work!” – and I realised the good times are over. I’ve had an excuse to do my job from home, usually in bed, and now I’ll have to start going to the office. Hoist with my own libertarian petard.

Those weren’t Chris Whitty’s feet sticking out from underneath No 10 in sparkly red heels, they were my own.