Way of theworld

These days all public institutions are anxious to be inclusive and diverse. The latest example is Historic England. Yesterday we learnt that, as well as castles and stately homes, it’s now planning to protect council houses, in an effort to “preserve working-class heritage”.

I think this sounds like a wonderful idea. I have only one question.

Since Historic England already preserves upper-class heritage, and is planning to preserve working-class heritage, when is it going to start preserving middle-class heritage, too?

After all, middle-class heritage is surely just as important. And, in the name of diversity and inclusivity, we middle-class types must not be left out. So I hereby make the following gracious offer. When I die, Historic England may turn my house into a tourist attraction – so that visitors of the future can learn what middle-class culture in the early 21st century was really like.

I can already hear the tour guide’s voice.

“Welcome to the typical middle-class home. We’re currently standing in the living room – which is where the inhabitants would perform the time-honoured middle-class custom of hastily tidying up before the cleaner came round. This was an important ritual, to help exorcise their middleclass guilt at having hired a cleaner in the first place.

“Over here we have the bathroom, which is where the man of the house would laugh awkwardly while trying to strike up light-hearted conversation with the plumber, or any other form of male working-class visitor. The experience would cause him acute embarrassment, but it was impossible for him to avoid it, as, being middleclass, he wouldn’t have had the first idea how to carry out a simple piece of manual labour by himself. “Now, if you’ll follow me into the smallest bedroom, we find the many high-minded gifts that middle-class parents would buy for their middle-class children, including the chess set, chemistry set, microscope, telescope and musical instruments. As you can see, all are in pristine condition, having never been used. Over here, meanwhile, we find the Nintendo Switch, which is what middle-class children actually spent all their time playing with. “Next is the study, the walls of which are lined with prize-winning novels and other important books. These were vital for providing an appropriate backdrop to the middle-class inhabitants’ Zoom calls. Zoom calls were how middleclass people occupied themselves during the devastating pandemic of the early 2020s, while they waited for working-class people to deliver their food and Amazon parcels.

“Elsewhere you will note the smart meter and energy-saving light bulbs, which are what middle-class people used to signal their deep concern about climate change. You will also note the wood-burning stove, which is what they used to accelerate it.”

It’s very odd. But, two whole years into the pandemic, I’ve still never had so much as a sniffle. While some people have come down with Covid several times, I’ve tested negative all the way through. It makes no sense.

Finally, however, it seems that the mystery has been solved. Scientists have revealed that the reason I’ve never had Covid is in fact very simple. I’m too good-looking.

Such is the conclusion of a new study conducted by a university in Texas. Fascinatingly, it found that the better-looking you are, the stronger your immune system is likely to be. And therefore, the less vulnerable you are to viruses.

Clearly this explains everything. No doubt the envious will scoff and dismiss the study, but in my view it sounds highly credible. As I have said throughout this pandemic, we must follow the science.

Still, while it’s good news for some of us, I’m not sure it was wise for the researchers to publish their findings. After all, it’s bound to be demoralising for the many people who have had Covid. It will damage their self-esteem, to discover they are scientifically proven to be unattractive.

Think of poor Richard Fairbrass, the anti-lockdown activist who is best-known as the frontman of the 1990s pop group Right Said Fred. He’s spent his entire musical career singing that he’s too sexy for his shirt. Yet in summer last year he came down with Covid. Which proves that, very sadly, he was mistaken. He is officially not too sexy, for his shirt or anything else.

Then again, perhaps I’m wrong. He may, in fact, be overjoyed. Because, if the study’s findings are accurate, he and his fellow vaccine-sceptics have no need to get jabbed. They can protect themselves from Covid by having cosmetic surgery, instead.

A facelift, some Botox and a boob job, and they’ll all be as safe as I am.