Wait a minute ... who are those two old fogeys with Donny Osmond?

Justin Trudeau is a dreamboat, and as he sailed into the press conference Westminster went wild. When the average politician looks like a pink walrus, the visit of a genuine 8/10 (rising to a nine in right profile) to our ugly island is a kill-toget-a-ticket event. Imagine Donny Osmond answered your letter and agreed to perform at your primary school. Well, it was bigger than that.

I’m told there was some diplomatic concern about what he would wear, after all Justin likes to dress up in the national costume of whatever country he’s visiting, and the thought of Boris having to stand between the prime minister of the Netherlands and a Canadian dressed as a Beefeater had No 10 in a lather. But in the end he came in a smart suit and half-smile, and when not speaking he froze into the posture of a menswear catalogue, as if on the other page, a chap in a C&A V-neck was telling a good joke.

Boris said something about the war (nobody was listening), then handed the baton to Justin, who came to life, like a pound had been dropped in the slot, and delivered an impassioned, if slightly odd, speech about the need to show “solidarity” with Ukraine and to “support the middle-class”, a theme he hammered home as if he were on the stump, in Canada, rather than a diplomatic conference, in Britain. Oh, and he said he met the Queen, who he has known “for about 45 years”, reminding us that as the son of a former prime minister and a woman who partied at Studio 54, he is royalty himself.

Trudeau then repeated his remarks in French. What he said, I wish I knew (I dropped French in favour of smoking behind the bike shed), one just has to hope that he wasn’t insulting Britain and its cooking for the francophone press, though there was a suspicious amount of nodding.

Questions, questions ... the obvious candidates were “what’s your favourite colour” or “what would be your ideal date?” – but instead Justin was invited to comment on Canadian oil and gas exports to beleaguered allies (“we are going to have to make sure that we are there for each other”) and his failure to hit the Nato commitment on defence spending (we have been “inspired and humbled” by Ukraine). With each vapid answer, one began to detect that our visitor, while not exactly Einstein, was also playing dumb for a reason. Canada is an energy exporter. Trudeau poses like Greta Thunberg but opposition politicians back home say that under his leadership Canada’s carbon emissions have actually risen.

Boris and thingummy from Holland are the ones in need of “solidarity” on energy. Canada has something to sell.

“This is a moment to stand for democracy,” said Justin, “and stay true to those values that have led to respect and prosperity around the world”. Thank you, Miss Canada.

Boris wound up and, as he strode off, Justin theatrically put on a mask, unaware no one in Britain cares about Covid anymore. And yet, isn’t it a crime to cover up a face like that?