Way of theworld Michael Deacon

We keep reading that, if Boris Johnson goes, the race to replace him as Prime Minister will be wide open. But this is untrue. In fact, narrowing down the likely field is easy. Because there’s one thing we already know for sure.

The next PM will be someone stupendously boring.

We know this for a very simple reason: it’s someone boring’s turn. Examine a chronological list of the men and women who have occupied 10 Downing Street in recent decades, and a clear pattern soon emerges. Invariably, an interesting PM is succeeded by a boring PM, who in turn is succeeded by an interesting PM, who is then succeeded by another boring PM, and so on. Interesting, boring, interesting, boring. We constantly alternate between the two.

Essentially, what happens is this. We decide we want a PM who is charismatic, energetic, good on TV, a compelling public speaker. The trouble with charismatic politicians, however, is that they tend to cause a lot of drama. And after a few years, we grow weary of all this drama, and reach eagerly for the antidote: a “safe pair of hands” who “just gets on with the job”. In short: someone boring. But of course, after a few years of someone boring, we inevitably grow bored, and yearn for someone who is charismatic, energetic, good on TV, a compelling public speaker… And so the cycle continues.

Take the prime ministers of my lifetime. The pattern goes Thatcher (interesting), Major (boring), Blair (interesting), Brown (boring), Cameron (interesting), May (boring), Johnson (interesting). So it’s obvious who’ll be next. It’ll be someone boring. In fact, to help us recover from the relentless drama, scandal and controversy of the Johnson premiership, it’ll have to be someone extremely boring indeed. Someone sensationally bland. Dazzlingly tedious. Spectacularly dull.

On the face of it, this sounds like terrific news for Sir Keir Starmer. Because he’s about as boring as a politician, or for that matter a living organism, can be. So if, at the next general election, his opponent is Mr Johnson, Sir Keir will be licking his lips. Destiny, he will feel, is calling. His time has come. A Labour victory is assured.

But wait. The Conservatives can still scupper his chances. If, in the coming months, they ditch Mr Johnson, and replace him with someone boring, Sir Keir is toast. Because then we’ll already have a boring prime minister. Which means that to win the next election, Sir Keir will suddenly have to become interesting. An impossible challenge. His aides will despair. They might as well try teaching an elephant to dance Swan Lake.

Should the Conservatives decide to change leader soon, they have a number of enticingly dull candidates to choose from. But one name in particular is worth keeping an eye on.

Each month, the Conservativehome website invites Tory party members to pass judgment on each member of the Cabinet. And for the past three months in a row, their favourite minister by some distance has been the Defence Secretary, Ben Wallace. A “safe pair of hands” who “just gets on with the job”. Not only that, he’s balding, middleaged, and no one can remember a single notable thing he’s ever said.

In other words: he’s Sir Keir’s worst nightmare.

So, if Labour is to win the next election, Sir Keir needs to prevent the Tories from getting a boring leader. Which means doing all that he can to keep Mr Johnson in place. As soon as possible, therefore, Sir Keir must give a speech declaring that partygate is no big deal, that everyone in the country broke the rules at some point, and that he himself spent lockdown having riotous parties with friends too.

Unfortunately for him, he’s so boring that no one will believe it. G oogle Docs is to launch a drearily woke new tool designed to police its users’ language. If you type a sentence that the tool deems problematic, a sign will pop up that reads: “Warning. Some of these words may not be inclusive to all readers.” You will then be advised to use a politically correct alternative. Examples of offensive terminology reportedly include “landlord” (the new tool prefers “property owner”), “housewife” (“stay-at-home spouse”) and “mankind” (“humanity”).

Perhaps some enterprising Silicon Valley rival will seize this opportunity to lure sensible people away from Google by launching a tool that does the opposite. So if you type some pathetic, mealy-mouthed drivel like “stay-at-home spouse”, the tool will automatically correct it to “housewife”. And if you change it back, it will lock you out of your laptop, change all your passwords, and send a copy of your private search history to your mother.