Patel’s Hogwarts powerplay gives crumpled Cooper a spell of trouble
‘The Conservative party is the party of law and order”, began Priti Patel. “Ha!” yelled a Labour backbencher, immaculate in a Persil-white ensemble reminiscent of Joan of Arc’s tabard and radiating similar levels of self-belief.
The Home Secretary’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Those on the benches opposite are eager to defend the
murderers, paedophiles...” she began, savouring each of these words. “What?” cried another Labour MP. But Patel plugged on, a messianic glint in her eye, summoning up a supporting cast of wrong-uns with which the opposition were apparently in cahoots: “Rapists, thugs and people with no right to be here.”
The Labour benches convulsed with hissing, booing and cries of “Shame!” –But since Patel, like a Hun or Visigoth, relishes the lamentations of her enemies, it only spurred her on.
“They cheer on the selfish protesters who cause chaos and endanger life,” she continued, triggering more gasps.
The Home Secretary attempted a trolling powerplay – studiously ignoring all shadow frontbenchers’ pleas for an intervention, particularly her opposite number Yvette Cooper, in favour of lowly backbenchers. “I will not give way,” she smirked, as Cooper tapped the despatch box disbelievingly and Jess Phillips sniped. There were echoes of Hogwarts and Professor Snape delightedly ignoring Hermione Granger’s raised hand in potions class.
The Home Secretary passed from Margaret Hodge to Diana Johnson, all the while ignoring Cooper’s growing exasperation. She then sat, flashing an angelic grin at Jim Shannon of the DUP.
The Shadow Home Secretary rose to her feet. It would be hard to imagine two more polar opposites than Patel and her would-be successor. Countering Patel’s sleek but fierce “cat with the cream” impression, Cooper, in a crumpled pink jacket, lectured the Home Secretary for ignoring her interventions in the manner of an overworked geography teacher.
Soon, though, the zingers were flying thick and fast – alongside a raft of shaming data: arrests down, crime up 18 per cent. “Community penalties issued by the police in the UK were down,” Cooper said, “notwithstanding the Prime Minister and his staff ’s valiant personal attempts to get those numbers up again.”
Reinforcements of Tory red meat arrived from the Red Wall. A gushing Jonathan Gullis thanked Patel for backing his “desecration of war memorials” bill. Ashfield MP Lee Anderson, who seemed on a mission to out-gammon everyone, jokingly (at least I think he was joking) called for members of Extinction Rebellion to be conscripted for manual labour.
The Home Secretary, visibly smouldering now, congratulated Anderson – someone who, “like me, appreciates the value of hard work”.
Such things are surely all relative. For some, hard work means seven days’ hard labour. For the opposition, hard work is simply being in the presence of Priti Patel.