Don’t let the Stay Safe joy-killers ruin the Jubilee

The elf ’n’ safety brigade have been emboldened by Covid, and are still driving us mad with red tape

For all our current tribulations (and before they start issuing ration books), at least next week is guaranteed to be joyous because our marvellous Queen will be celebrating 70 astonishing years on the throne. Up and down the country, there will be street parties and villagers will come together to make merry and enjoy great British traditions. Traditions like taking at least six days to fill in the 23-page events management plan and risk assessment demanded for Platinum Jubilee jamborees by the local council.

Poor Gloria Odell, who simply wanted to celebrate the Queen’s reign with a small party for the 15 households in her street in Leverstock Green, was overwhelmed with paperwork. Dacorum borough council asked the patriotic 70-year-old for details of “security provision, severe weather mitigation and a counter-terrorism plan”. Trifle-related terrorist incidents being an ever-present danger in Hertfordshire, obviously.

Since the pandemic, the fingerwagging Stay Safe class has been emboldened, imposing ever barmier professional standards on cheerful gatherings organised by volunteers. Michael Gove, minister for actually getting something done, has written to local authorities, warning them to lay off the crazier edicts. But a friend, who is on a committee helping to organise her Essex hamlet’s celebrations, says they have been driven mad by red tape. Reluctantly, the villagers filled in a lengthy questionnaire “in case the bossy buggers turn up on the day”.

I think we can be quietly confident that Her Majesty, who lived through the Blitz and was still riding her pony at the age of 95, would have a couple of words for the risk-averse desk jockeys.

Just imagine if every place hosting a Jubilee knees-up were to respond honestly to the events management questionnaire:

● Provide an overview that outlines how the event will be run, citing those with specific roles – “It’s a bit mad to be honest! Terry’s in charge of the parade, Queens through the Ages, but Sheila, she was going to be Queen Victoria, she broke her ankle so now Terry says he’ll have to be Victoria, which has upset quite a few people. Karl (they/them used to be Katie!) got quite stroppy and said the term “Queen” had been culturally appropriated from the queer community. Anyway, we had a meeting, and she – oops! – they is now going to be Elizabeth I and we’ve agreed on a special Platinum Jubilee version of that alphabetty thingy: LGBTHMQ.”

● The provision made if there is inclement weather – “Wellies, cagoules, running into the pub if it really tips down. Mainly pretending the weather is nice until someone gets hypothermia or is actually struck by lightning. We are British, you know!”

● The provision of any temporary structures and how these will be erected by competent, fully qualified persons

– “Sadly, no competent persons available as such, but Gary down the garage and Mick say they’ll ‘see what we can do’ with the marquee on Wednesday night. Fingers crossed!”

● Noise management – “Have you met our village?”

● How the welfare of children and young people will be managed – “Pizza and a disco for the little ’uns. The teenagers will be snogging and smoking round the back of the marquee. If there’s any hanky panky, Mick’s got a hose.”

● Communication management – “Quentin’s got his megaphone. Can’t really hear what he says, and he is stone deaf, but he does love it! He stepped out with Princess Margaret, you know.”

● Toilet facilities – “Hedge.”

A risk assessment should underpin the plan by outlining how you would endeavour to prevent harm from such factors as:

● Food poisoning – reducing likelihood by using reputable food producers who have received food hygiene certifications – “Caroline’s organising the cream tea. She’s got an OBE and met Mary Berry so she’s extremely hygienic.”

● Covid-19 infection – what preventative measures will be used? – “None. The events are outside, we’ve all had it (twice!), we’re fully jabbed and aren’t we supposed to be living with Covid?”

● Security provision and identity checks – “We’re not bleedin’ German!”

● Slips, trips and falls – “We’re doing Pimm’s so hopefully everyone will be too pissed to notice if they fall over!”

Whatever your plans, I wish you a wonderful Platinum Jubilee. As Her Majesty’s loyal subjects, it is our solemn duty to fight back against the Stay Safe joy-killers.