Cavaliers show Roundheads how to have a good time

The morning after the confidence vote, the Commons was not just calm but half-empty. The rebellion was having a lie-in. I guess many backbenchers, having done their duty or recorded their dissent, had returned home, leaving Cabinet members to face a pep talk by the PM, who promised, in a twist worthy of Stranger Things, to govern like a Tory.

Wahey! So what can we expect? A tax cut for anyone who can prove they vote Conservative? Knighthood for the over-50s? A war on the Sussexes? Or, and this one is apparently real, a pledge to upgrade the NHS from a “Blockbuster” VHS service to a health system fit for the age of “Netflix”, a promise that will have been lost on backbench dinosaurs who prefer vinyl and leeches.

While we’re turning back the clock, Angela Rayner headed a motion dressed as Barbara Castle, in a pink ensemble straight out of the 1970s.

Rather than push for a confidence vote it would lose, Labour triggered a debate about standards in public life.

They want to subvert the PM’S right to hire and fire with an independent process governing ministers who tell porkies, which is daft because, as the Government’s Michael Ellis said, it is possible to “inadvertently” mislead the Commons – and it would show a lack of “mercy” to sack on the spot. Then there’s the fraud of Labour, which after trying to put a Trot into No10 wants to be a pillar of the establishment.

The PM has undermined our “unwritten constitution”, said Ms Rayner, channeling Erskine May. “Honesty matters, integrity matters, decency matters!” All true, but let’s not forget that she is herself under police investigation. Beneath the eye-line of the cameras, Ms Rayner complimented her traddy garb with white sneakers: there’s no electronic tag on that ankle, but you can get into trouble for throwing stones in glass houses.

Once again, Boris is helped less by the strength of his support than the weakness of his opposition, the threat of which galvanises his own benches.

The Labour members landed blows. But it was Joanna Cherry (SNP) taking issue with the PM’S “cavalier attitude” that took us to the historical origins of this matter, and why some Tories, and quite a few voters, still like the PM.

At heart, British politics has always been Roundhead v Cavalier. The former are hectoring and hypocritical. The latter are decadent and inept – but at least they’re good fun, and they certainly know how to throw a party.