Way of theworld Michael Deacon

People from other countries are often puzzled by the British attitude to the weather. Not just because we’re always talking about it – but because, in their view, we’re so melodramatic about it. While working on Notes from a Small Island (1995), the American writer Bill Bryson read a newspaper report about a “blizzard” that had “gripped” parts of East Anglia. According to the report, this “blizzard” had covered some areas with “more than two inches of snow”. More alarmingly still, it had created “drifts up to six inches high”.

In response, Mr Bryson “drafted a letter to the editor in which I pointed out, in a kindly, helpful way, that two inches of snow cannot possibly constitute a blizzard and that six inches of snow is not a drift. A blizzard, I explained, is when you can’t get your front door open. Drifts are things that make you lose your car till spring.”

Right now, I’m sure, most of us would welcome a nice blizzard. By British standards, it’s exceptionally hot outside.

I do wonder, though, how our response to this heatwave looks to people from countries that are frequently hotter. Mr Bryson, for example, is from Iowa, where the highest recorded temperature stands at 118F (48C). The record for the US as a whole is 134F (56.7C). Tomorrow’s forecast for Phoenix, Arizona is 113F (45C) – which is typical for the time of year. Perhaps the locals are drafting letters to tell us, in a kindly, helpful way, that what we’re experiencing is a phenomenon they call “summer”. Whatever people from hot countries think of us, our own broadcast media appear to think we’re a nation of helpless, frightened babies, incapable of looking after ourselves – hence the constant hysterical reminders to “keep cool” and “stay hydrated”, as if, without their helpful prompting, these ideas would never occur to us. Perhaps everyone on TV has simply gone mad. Heat can have that effect. At one point yesterday, Sky News was showing a split screen with, on the right, an anxious-looking reporter clutching a thermometer the size of a cricket bat, and on the left, live footage of the sun in the sky. Why the producers thought it necessary to film the sun live, I don’t know, but it didn’t appear to be doing very much, so eventually they cut away.

Listening to all this fuss, you’d never guess that this was a country that once ruled a quarter of the globe. Imagine if our ancestors had been so terrified of heat.

Sir Walter Raleigh: “Your Majesty, I wish to set sail for the New World, to explore its wonders and plunder its spoils. Above all I seek to find El Dorado, the fabled ‘city of gold’ where …”

Elizabeth I: “Certainly not. Haven’t you seen the latest forecasts for the New World? It’s far too dangerous. I’m ordering all my explorers to work from home. Go and plunder somewhere safer, like Wigan or Stoke-on-trent.”

At any rate, I like to think that most of us are refusing to panic, and are calmly taking sensible precautions – rather than following some of the bizarre advice being shared online. I’m especially intrigued by the people who have taken to slicing an onion in two and then frenziedly rubbing themselves all over with the halves, to coat their skin in the onion’s juices. They believe it will cool them down. In this sizzling heat, though, they’ll just end up smelling like hot dogs.

If you do bump into someone who’s covered their thighs in fried onion, squirt them with mustard for some extra zing.

Many people on the Left profess to be horrified by the Conservative Party leadership contest. The candidates, they howl, are obsessed with fighting the so-called “culture wars” (in particular, over trans rights), when they should instead be focusing on far more important issues, such as the cost of living.

Conservative Party members may politely respond that questions about the “culture wars” are important, because choosing a leader isn’t just about policy. It’s also about values.

More importantly, though, they can point out that the Left are being wildly hypocritical. After all, the Black Lives Matter protests began in summer 2020, during the first year of Covid. But I don’t recall many people on the British Left saying, “Hang on. Why are we tearing down statues, holding BLM rallies, taking the knee, plastering stately homes with signs about the slave trade, and ‘decolonising’ everything from maths to Mozart? We’re in the middle of the deadliest pandemic in 100 years! Millions are dying! We should be focusing on the issues that really matter, not these divisive culture wars!”

The truth is, the Left loved fighting the culture wars when they thought they were winning. Now they fear they’re losing, they’re not so keen.