Hancock talks the talk ... shame about having to interact with the public

There was an outbreak of camp in the committee corridor just before the latest vote was announced. As a venerable backbencher rounded the corner in a glorious beige suit, a male MP said: “Ooo, you look like the man from Del Monte! Tell you what, if I ever make prime minister, I’ll make you ambassador to Venezuela.”

Westminster’s gone a bit loco since the old government died and another slouches to be born, and I’m in hiding because Jonathan Gullis MP apparently objected to me calling him a hooligan in this column and wants to have a word.

Ironically, that’s exactly what a hooligan would say.

The tone of the day was set by that photo of the Cabinet. A mix of angry smiles and sleepless eyes, our outgoing administration looked like the Donner Party posing for a team photo shortly before they ate each other. Nadine Dorries’s face said: “Try and take my red box from me. Go on. Try.”

“Chill out kids, there’s life after politics!” We went live at 10am to the Matt Hancock show on LBC: I’m told (by a made-up source) that he jogged to the studio at dawn full of ideas that the production team had to patiently but firmly reject (the puppet stayed in the rucksack).

Matt was made for talk radio: it requires the kind of total authenticity that he is brilliant at faking.

He discussed the heat, lockdown, why humans are worse than parakeets (a fascinating call from a man in Nottingham) and why Rishi Sunak would make a good prime minister – a theme he pressed so hard that it sounded suspiciously like he was using one new job to pitch for another.

But the problem with talk radio is you have to take calls from members of the public who are, as everyone in Westminster will tell you, quite dreadful.

John in Edinburgh told Hancock he was a “totally useless health secretary”.

Matt, perhaps forgetting that nowadays they film radio as well as air it, angrily signalled to the producer to cut him off. But Miriam from Sutton said she thought he had been in a “tight spot” as health secretary, which Matt thanked her for – though when Miriam moved on to the subject of her lupus, we all lost interest.

Back to committee room 14, 3pm for the result of Round 4. “Nearly there!” said Sir Graham Brady, gaily. Kemi out. Rishi on top. And hello sailor, what a turn-up, one vote spoilt. There was an “ooo” among the press.

Of course, one MP was discounted altogether: Tobias Ellwood, who wouldn’t need a vote because he already thinks he’s prime minister.

Ellwood couldn’t make Monday’s confidence vote, he told whips, because he was on diplomatic business in Moldova – and after the whips had Googled Moldova and established that it does in fact exist, they told him that still wasn’t good enough and suspended him from the party.

So, who spoilt their ballot?

Did Nadine Dorries write “Boris Johnson”?

Did Matt Hancock write “Matt Hancock”?

Or did Jonathan Gullis write “I’m coming to get you, Tim Stanley...”? Stay tuned to find out!