Rules of engagement? These two tore chunks out of each other

We open on what looks like two cardboard cutouts of deranged serial killers: Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss. Grinning at the camera; eyes-wide; deathly still. Then Rishi twitched. “My God, they’re real!”

The BBC debate had begun, and I had just spilled hot chocolate down my jim-jams.

In short: good argument, terrible format. The BBC had spent the day talking up the debate, like that irritating kid at school who tries to start fights all the time – “Rishi says you want to raise interest rates”, “Liz says you’ve got plums in yer mouth” – and had designed an epilepsyinducing set that I’m surprised didn’t include a guest appearance by the kitchen sink.

Did we need an audience? Or Chris Mason and Faisal Islam sitting in a commentators’ box like a cricket match?

That said, the first thirty minutes were excellent. Tax. We’ll never forgive the Tories for raising tax (in a happier age, the military would’ve staged a coup) – but Sunak did his best to defend it, calling tax cuts “unconservative” and inflationary.

Liz, meanwhile, was in her element: she made a darn good case for why Britain needs tax relief. She was more physically relaxed than usual, though she was still holding an invisible tea tray – yet was reduced to saying “Excuse me! Excuse me!” every time Sunak interrupted, which was all the time. Now we can see why Boris says he was relieved when Rishi resigned.

This culminated in a row over what made the 1980s worse: growing up in a pharmacy in Southampton (Rishi repeats this story like he literally was raised on the shop floor, among the paracetamol and Trebor mints) or attending a comprehensive in Leeds, which Truss implies was one step up from being raised by wolves.

One senses that among Conservatives, the ideal candidate would be an immigrant with no formal education, who served in the military, is worth £8billion but sleeps in a tent.

Truss noted that Rishi attended Winchester – “A very good school” which,

The BBC loved all this nonsense, teasing out a pointless conversation on whether Boris will return

of course, is a subtle bid for the crucial Etonian vote. And the BBC loved all this nonsense, teasing out a pointless conversation about whether or not Boris will come back (he won’t), what clothes each one wears, and are they out of touch with the famously humble people who populate the Conservative party.

“I want you to address one another,” said the host, as if in marriage counselling – and, in essence, tell us what you dislike most about your opponent.

Sunak probably won the debate at this point by refusing to participate in it, insisting that they would reunite once it was over – the kind of spontaneity that can turn elections.

I bet he practiced it for hours in his limo.