Way of the World Michael Deacon

Peter Stringfellow was routinely denounced by the Left. But if he were alive today, perhaps they’d defend him. Because, improbable as it may seem, Left-wing councillors in Bristol – Brighton’s closest rival for the title of Britain’s wokest city – have just rejected a proposed ban on strip clubs.

According to a Green councillor, shutting down strip clubs would “discount the voices of some women” and “restrict their choices”. A Labour councillor, meanwhile, suggested that strip clubs were actually safer for women than city centre pubs.

Fascinating how times change. When I was starting out in journalism 20 years ago, I worked at a lads’ mag. Every issue featured photos of female models posing with their clothes off. And people on the Left constantly condemned it. They were sickened by the very existence of lads’ mags. Nothing would have delighted them more than to see the whole lot go bust.

Had our editor accused these critics of “discounting the voices” of our models, or of wishing to “restrict their choices”, they would have scoffed. But that, of course, was a long time ago. In 2022, the fashionable view is that “sex work is work”, and as a result the progressive Left have no problem with women earning a living by taking their clothes off. Indeed, they vigorously defend their right to do so. A pity there are no lads’ mags left. These days the Left would presumably hail them as beacons of sex-positive feminism. Since The Sun no longer does Page 3, perhaps The Guardian will revive it.

Is mankind starting to turn against cats? The signs don’t look good. This week, scientists in Poland officially classified cats as “an invasive alien species”, accusing them of damaging biodiversity with their hunting. Over here, meanwhile, a council in Kent is considering banning cats altogether from a new housing estate – in order to protect birds and other wildlife.

But that’s not all. This month, a study claimed that cats can cause postnatal depression in humans. Last month, it was reported that being nice to your cat makes it more likely to scratch your sofa. And in April, absurdly, we were told that boys who have pet cats are more likely to suffer from psychosis as adults. Personally, I’m sick of this relentless anti-cat propaganda. It may sound odd, coming from a man whose byline picture shows him walking a dog. But I love cats. And I’m determined to fight back against this shocking rise in feline-phobia. For one thing, let’s have no more of this nonsense about cats causing ecological damage. Yes, they kill a lot of birds. But birds kill a lot of worms.

And worms are every bit as vital to the environment as birds, if not more so. By helping to fertilise our soil and aiding the decomposition of organic matter, they are utterly indispensable to our farms, forests and gardens. In the words of Charles Darwin, “It may be doubted whether there are many other animals which have played so important a part in the history of the world.” And yet every day, millions of innocent worms are callously slaughtered by bloodthirsty birds.

By helping to control the numbers of these cruel worm-killers, therefore, cats are surely protecting our ecosystem, not destroying it. It’s high time that Polish scientists and Kent councils showed them some gratitude.

Rishi Sunak is starting to look desperate. Having originally declared that cutting taxes would be irresponsible and even immoral, he’s now promised to scrap VAT on fuel bills. In a similarly frantic effort to win over Conservative Party members, he’s also pledged to protect the Green Belt from housebuilders, to cap the number of refugees allowed to stay in Britain, and to deport twice as many foreign criminals. Clearly, he needs some way to turn this race around. But it feels as if he’s trying too hard.

We can only wonder what drastic measures he’ll attempt next.

Sunday, July 31

Mr Sunak announces that he won’t merely protect the Green Belt. He’ll expand it.

“Nothing is more important to me than our precious green spaces,” he tells a hustings. “So, as prime minister, I won’t just block new houses from being built. I’ll knock existing houses down. I hereby commit to demolishing 300,000 homes a year by 2025. This will enable us to expand the Green Belt to include inner-city Liverpool, Manchester, Islington, Hackney, and all other urban areas that by coincidence always vote Labour. By 2050, I aim to ensure that there isn’t a single house left standing anywhere in the UK.”

Monday, August 1

Mr Sunak seeks to remind party members of his Brexiteer credentials.

“In 2019, we pledged to get Brexit done – and we did,” he says during a speech in the Red Wall. “But we can’t afford to rest on our laurels. That’s why I’m going to get Brexit done again – and again. Under my leadership, Britain will leave the European Union every single year for the next decade. Each January, we will rejoin the EU – purely so that we can immediately leave it again. Only then will Brussels finally get the message that we are an independent nation once more.”

Tuesday, August 2

Mr Sunak vehemently denies suggestions that he’s sucking up to Conservative Party members by imitating Margaret Thatcher. “No! No! No!” he barks, thwacking a reporter with his handbag.