WELCOME TO BONFIRE NIGHT 2032
It is the year 2032 and crowds are gathering around the bonfirethemed solar panel that has been wheeled out on to the village green. Children tug at their parents’ sleeves, begging for another tofu apple, while adults sip on artisanal hand-crafted cider (mulled wine is rarely served, following a string of personal injury claims relating to burnt tongues and cups not providing suitable warning that the contents may be hot).
A cheer goes up. Statues of Edward Colston, Winston Churchill, Queen Victoria and Cecil John Rhodes are wheeled out – chipped slightly from when they were torn down during the anti-slavery protests of the late 2020s – but still intact. They are placed on the grass and families quickly gather around them. A few children throw bits of quinoa, but mostly this is an nonviolent affair. Before long, groups have sat cross-legged with their eyes closed so they can better process the intergenerational trauma caused by the British Empire.
Yes, just as our modern-day Cassandra Suella Braverman predicted all those years ago, the Guardianreading, tofu-eating wokerati is in charge – and their coalition of anti-growth chaos has transformed the annual tradition of Guy Fawkes (now known as They Fawkes) beyond recognition.
Conversely, Guy Fawkes himself has become a beloved figure. A member of a religious minority bravely fighting against the white privilege of the British monarchy, he is feted in schools and stories, unpicking the centuries of problematic statesanctioned effigies, which are earnestly discussed by panels on the BBC. People tut as they watch documentaries on the subject, but mostly they are relieved to live under the enforced kindness of this enlightened era.
Not that there is any possibility of burning an effigy on this new Bonfire Night. Mass testing of ultra-fine particles in the air means that any form of outdoor fire has been condemned by scientists – and the NHS (now an exclusively online service) has sent out a health alert to all British citizens on the dangers of being in the vicinity of an open flame.
Happily, very few Britons can be exposed to these killer particles thanks to new councilled net-zero targets.
In order to legally light a fire or a sparkler in 2032, you need to hold a permit – as most councils concentrate their efforts on fighting for social justice on Twitter, applications are taking on average two to three years to process. Instead, every child now has a sparkler app on their phone.
As they hold it aloft, the screen sparks and fizzes with coded light, all while filming the child for Tiktok (new technology can even filter out any tears before the clip is released).
Suddenly, you can sense the excitement in the air: it is time for the main event. The combination of potassium nitrate, charcoal and sulphur that was once used to create traditional fireworks has long been banned for environmental reasons – but nobody minds as new drone technology is capable of creating inspiring, progressive images on the night sky.
First comes an image of prime minister Gary Neville, then president Leonardo Dicaprio, before the entire sky lights up with Greta Thunberg’s face while a speech she has recorded for the occasion booms across the parks and village greens of Britain.
The crowd whoops in delight while nodding reverentially at her words. After the lights dim, mothers pick up their sleepy daughters, fathers look for their car keys and everyone bids each other farewell. Another successful They Fawkes evening under the anti-growth coalition completed.