Hancock’s television act is a sickening ploy
Never mind crawling through a tunnel brimming with vermin while maggots rain down on your head. It’s the humans in the jungle who pose the real threat to Matt Hancock. The faces of the other contestants when the former health secretary first entered the camp on Wednesday night were an absolute picture. And that picture is Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
Producers of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! may think they’ve played a blinder dropping one of the most unpopular men in Britain into the Australian bush. Certainly, ratings will be off the charts for the most excruciating yet hilarious hour of television in recent memory. Call it the Comedy of Cringe. Credit where credit is due, Matt Hancock’s lack of selfawareness is so astounding it’s practically a superpower.
“There’s so few ways that politicians can show that we’re human beings,” he explained, putting on his Sincere Listening Face, when broadcaster and fellow celeb, Charlene White, asked him how he could abandon his job when the UK was in crisis.
“Oh, Rishi’s great, the Government is stable,” replied the MP for West Suffolk breezily.
The Rehabilitate Hancock strategy, presumably drilled into him by a reputation management firm, is pretty clear. First, soak up all the punishment the public can inflict by voting for you to do a record number of Bushtucker Trials. Swallow the possum penis and hope that it will eclipse the affair you had during lockdown when your own draconian rules stated that people from different households were not allowed to have sex. Then, with a bit of luck, viewers may start to feel sorry for you and forget that tinpot tyrant who told frightened children that they might “kill Granny”.
Remember the Cabinet minister who claimed to have “thrown a protective ring around care homes” when thousands of elderly people were actually discharged from hospital to seed Covid among residents and cause their deaths? Well, Hancock clearly has his fingers crossed that that lying incompetent will be rebranded as a jolly good sport and national favourite.
Could it work? The British have a cheerfully sadistic streak that loves to lampoon posturing fools. When the illusionist David Blaine spent 44 days, with only water to drink, in a Perspex box over the Thames, Americans were impressed by his epic fast. The Brits held barbecues nearby so he could smell the roasting meat.
On the other hand, we also have a strong sense of fair play and don’t like to see someone bullied. Matt is already picking up sympathy on social media. If he put on a plucky performance in last night’s Tentacles of Terror trial, that support may grow (although many of us would gladly see the wally fail).
Where Hancock’s redemption plan falls down is by not factoring in the hostility and instinctive repugnance of his fellow celebs. Mike Tindall, former England rugby champ and the Princess Royal’s son-in-law, had already established himself in the jungle as a hugely likeable, genial giant. “Bull----, bull----, bull----,” snapped Mike after just three minutes of Hancock’s pre-prepared excuses. Nailed him.
The camp’s convivial camaraderie curdled immediately when the disgraced Conservative came in. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a boomerang. Boy George, who was unable to visit his mum in hospital during lockdown, gave voice to the general unease, complaining, “I don’t want to be here having fun with him.”
Blimey, the show’s producers will be in a major quandary if their star signing issues an “It’s Hancock or me” ultimatum. I reckon things could blow up very quickly.
Boy George makes a serious point (not a sentence I ever thought I’d write). As the Covid inquiry gets under way, families who suffered under ministerial diktats which forbade people from seeing their dying parents will flinch at this brazen performance by one of the prime movers in that inhumanity. Matt Hancock is cashing in on their pain.
I’m a Celebrity… specialises in fake ordeals for the purposes of light entertainment. When the klaxon goes, the trial is over and the giggles resume. The ordeals of lockdown were real and the harm goes on, and on.
Matt Hancock shows no sign of understanding how much misery his regulations caused. Nor how outrageous his hypocrisy was to those who obeyed the rules. “There’s so few ways that politicians can show that we’re human beings,” he complained. Well, one way would be to display some empathy. Fat chance. The man has such a thick skin, the crocodiles will be carrying Hancock handbags.