Give us yer money: a bold suggestion from one of South Africa’s richest men

Foreign addresses to Parliament are usually an exercise in cliché – “we move forward to the future, partners in tomorrow” – mixed with promotion of the local wine, but Cyril Ramaphosa, president of South Africa, decided to attempt some moral blackmail. “Give us yer money!” he might as well have said to the assembled guests, apparently unaware that Britain doesn’t have any.

I suppose our appearance is deceptive. We met in the glorious Royal Gallery, bookended by paintings of Trafalgar and Waterloo, the last light of the day shining through stained-glass dragons and heraldic boar. Cyril drew a good crowd: James Cleverly, Yvette Cooper, Jeremy Corbyn (who singlehandedly ended Apartheid), Peter Hain, Lord Blunkett and his guide dog, which curled up happily at my feet. The Prime Minister was absent, trying to sell Government debt on ebay.

Speaker Hoyle introduced Cyril standing between golden statues of Elizabeth I and Henry V, a reminder of when our empire stretched as far as Bordeaux (the French are too proud to ask for reparations), and praised South Africa’s long walk to freedom. We have a statue of Nelson Mandela in Parliament Square, don’t you know? Knowing this very well, Mr Ramaphosa told the crowd that the South African Parliament has a statue of Queen Victoria, a start to his oration so convivial that one bishop felt safe enough to go to sleep.

Our relationship has had “ups and downs”, continued the guest, “but I want to capitalise on the ups”. And didn’t he just. He asked us for more finance, investment and commerce, and insisted that the West should give big bucks to those countries hit by climate change, which should not be seen as “charity” – Heaven forbid we should feel better about ourselves for doing something nice – but “compensation for the harm done” by industrialisation. All part of a wider war against the “inequality” that exists “between” countries and “within” them.

At this point it might be helpful to know that Cyril is one of his country’s richest men. That the South African Parliament, which genuinely is a triumph of democratic development, is considering impeaching him over his failure to report a theft of up to $4million (£3.3million) found stuffed into the sofas at his private ranch (he denies wrongdoing).

But none of this will cloud the state visit, for reasons of protocol but also precisely because Britain is so keenly aware of the “downs” of its colonial past. We feel such guilt that our instinct is to assume that our present, dwindling reserves are ill-gained – so take them! Take all you want! It wouldn’t have been out of the British character, as Mr Ramaphosa left the gallery, to have asked if he’d like to take the statue of Queen Bess with him – compensation for the appalling weather he’s endured on this trip.

The bishop awoke. So did the dog. Lord Blunkett was on his feet, and it was time for his good and faithful servant to go back to work.