Snowflakes settle in Westminster to discuss Armed Forces

Alight dust of snow settled over the South East, so the entire transport network collapsed. Parliament was quiet. I guess some MPS chose to sit at home in their pyjamas, watching telly with the kids – which was no bad thing for it meant more apple crumble for the rest of us. It was the first time in a long time that I’ve not had to push a Lord out of the way to get a table in the canteen.

It also meant a quieter Commons, dominated by the kind of men and women who would crawl through a real blizzard to get their name into Hansard, and there was plenty of chaos to discuss. After the snow, there will come strikes; soldiers are tipped to drive ambulances. “The military actually enjoys stepping in,” said Tobias Ellwood, a hawkish MP who would probably dispatch the RAF to settle a snowball fight.

It is the widespread opinion of the Commons that the Armed Forces must reflect the diversity of the country it serves (though thankfully not our cowardice or weight). Conservative Cherilyn Mackrory asked what the defence ministry is doing to create a more “inclusive” environment for women?

“This is an important question,” said minister Andrew Murrison – giving the game away that all the other ones about guns and tanks were not ranked so high – and he delivered a laundry list of noble initiatives, from flexible working times to an anti-bullying hotline. One would like to imagine that phone is manned by an angry sergeant who shouts: “It’s important you look after yer mental ’elf, you ’orrible little worm!” – but I’m sensing the modern forces are less Windsor Davies, more Esther Rantzen.

“Women are an integral part of our Armed Forces,” said Mr Murrison, which they are and should be – and Mr Murrison has two serving daughters to prove it. The ministry is “committed to improving ... lived experience”.

Well, nothing riles a Tory dinosaur liked the words “lived experience” – and James Sunderland stood to attention to tell the Commons that “senior military officers” feel defence is being distracted with PC nonsense.

“What’s more important,” he asked, “unlawful recruitment policy” – i.e. alleged positive discrimination – “identity politics and pronouns” or “operational capability?”

Ben Wallace, the Defence Secretary, looked wounded – shot in the back by friendly fire – but we must recruit as widely as possible, he insisted, and “recognise this diversity and inclusion is not [only] morally right but it’s also vital to [military] capability.”

A Conservative once said to me, if you ever wonder why Britain’s gone woke under the Tories, it’s very simple: it’s because the senior Tories are woke. Labour is woker, granted, and would probably swap the SAS for a battalion of therapists dropped behind enemy lines to help the Russians discover their inner-child.

But Hr-speak has conquered Westminster, and the two parties seem determined to re-converge in a middle that is as woolly as Michael Fabricant’s bobble cap. He was wearing it as he marched towards the canteen – which made me wonder, with all that lovely thick hair, why does he need a hat?