Way of theworld Michael Deacon

Britain is suffering from a severe labour shortage. We can no longer find anyone to harvest our crops, drive our lorries, staff our airports or, this week, grit our roads. Still, there is at least one industry that never seems short of willing workers. The diversity industry. Perhaps this is simply because jobs in it are so well-paid. A think tank called Conservative Way Forward has just published a report claiming that public sector organisations employ no fewer than 10,000 members of staff to enforce EDI (Equality, Diversity and Inclusivity). On average, they receive salaries of £42,700 – which is £8,000 more than the average nurse. This costs the taxpayer £427million a year.

The sum seems even more extortionate when you read what it is that these diversity enforcers actually do. According to the report, the vital services they provide include making council staff attend “African drumming sessions” and ordering civil servants to play a “respect at work” board game.

In these straitened times, surely there must be a less costly alternative to employing all these diversity enforcers.

Perhaps, every 15 minutes or so, the public address system in each civil service building could play a recording of a voice intoning the message “Racism is bad”, or “Don’t say nasty things to your colleagues”. This would cost very little, and be just as effective. Obviously, though, it’s not going to happen. If even a Conservative government is unwilling to shrink the diversity industry, there’s zero chance of a Labour government doing it.

To be fair, it isn’t just the public sector that is obsessed with showing off how progressive it is. The private sector is, too. Look at the Twitter account of any major corporation. “The pronouns of this bank are she/them, and if you’ve ever retweeted JK Rowling we’ll cancel your debit card.”

Clearly, then, there’s no point trying to fight the diversity industry’s unstoppable rise. In fact, perhaps we should encourage our children to seek work in it, too. As the economy dwindles, it’s the one industry that’s sure to keep growing, and to offer our children decent pay and job security. Because, in both the public and private sectors, there will always be exciting new progressive bandwagons for organisations to make a big show of leaping aboard.

Let’s just hope that, unlike pretty much everyone else right now, these people never go on strike. Without them around to patronise us, we’d be forced to patronise ourselves.

I

’m growing increasingly worried about the youth of today. The poor things seem to have a real problem with alcohol.

Apparently, they just can’t stand the stuff.

Studies consistently show that Gen Z, as they’re known, are much less likely to drink than previous generations. To capitalise on this improbable trend for youthful abstinence, a “mindful drinking” group called Club Soda has just opened Britain’s first ever alcohol-free off-licence. According to its founder, Gen Z disapprove of drinking because they’re disgusted by their parents “stinking of chardonnay”.

What an extraordinary role-reversal. In the past, parents would scold their teenage children for drinking. Now, it’s more likely to be the other way round.

“Dad! What sort of time do you call this? Have you been out drinking?”

“What? Me? No. Of course not.”

“Don’t you lie to me, old man. Over here. Let me smell your breath. Ah ha! Just as I thought! You stink of beer!”

“Come on, son. Be fair. It was only a couple of halves while watching the football with Mr Jenkins from number 42.”

“‘Only’ a couple of halves, indeed. How many times do I have to warn you about the dangers of alcohol? Right, that’s it. You’re grounded. Go straight to your room. Oh, and no more running around with this Mr Jenkins. I don’t want you falling in with a bad crowd.”

You may think Gen Z’s rejection of alcohol is something to be welcomed. I disagree. I think it’s unhealthy. To my mind, there’s a clear link between their pious, puritanical views about alcohol and their pious, puritanical views about politics. Getting hideously drunk on a regular basis, and experiencing the resultant shame and self-disgust the following morning, would do these young prigs the world of good, and help dislodge them from their high horses. It’s impossible to feel morally superior to others when you’ve just woken up with a thumping hangover.

In this country we’ve always been bemused by the French custom of letting their children drink wine with dinner. Finally it makes sense.