It ain’t broke but please fix the cookie-cutter contestants
‘I’m the James Bond of the business world,” says Joe, one of the candidates on The Apprentice (BBC One). Hmm. Joe, according to the internet, is a safari guide from the University of Exeter with a fledgling business selling environmentally friendly lip balm. I can’t see the connection, unless he does those things while wearing a tuxedo and trying to infiltrate Spectre. Lord Sugar isn’t buying it: “Your CV is not so much Thunderball, it’s more like Thunderb------s.”
Joe doesn’t really believe this stuff either, and has the decency to look embarrassed when it’s read out loud in the boardroom. This year, the boys (we must always refer to them as “boys” and “girls”, even when some of them are pushing 40) seem to be a pretty personable bunch, including a jolly Lib Dem councillor called Gregory who worked as a “professional cannon firer” in Malta, which is a genuinely interesting thing to put on a CV.
The girls, though – sheesh. “I’m disgustingly competitive,” says Emma, who appears to mean it. “Because I’m so friendly, everybody thinks that I’m their best friend – which can be really awkward because I don’t have any friends in business,” says someone else whose name I didn’t
catch because the girls’ team is just a tangle of moaning, backbiting and inflatable pouts, and at times it was hard to tell them apart.
The teams were sent off to Antigua for their first task, seemingly without time to change because they were wearing the same outfits they’d worn in the boardroom. All those tight waistcoats and newsreader dresses looked even more ridiculous than usual when worn on a beach. It is a peculiarity of The Apprentice that the contestants look more dated than the format. At least the challenges vary slightly each year, and Lord Sugar gets a fresh batch of scripted quips. The candidates just trot out the same tired slogans and wear the same Karen Millen frocks, and it’s hard to care about any of them. Although Joe and Gregory do have my attention.
This year, the producers jazzed things up by setting the first task in the Caribbean, where the teams had to run and sell excursions to tourists. The boys did well, partly because they chose a historical theme which involved talking about cannons, and they had just the chap for that.
Back in the boardroom, things dragged on. Maybe we need a couple more episodes to get into the swing of things, by which I mean find the characters we love to hate.
The antidote to The Apprentice is, of course, Dragons’ Den (BBC One) – the business programme for people who actually want to succeed in business, rather than become Insta-famous. Nobody likens themselves to James Bond or a velociraptor. Everyone admits to being nervous before they go into pitch their ideas, instead of saying: “If they do come at me I will bite and I will sting and I will leave my mark.” (Yes, that’s a real quote from one of this year’s Apprentice candidates.)
And they have products that a person might want to buy. Paola’s travel bag was very nice, even if it did – as Dragon Peter Jones pointed out – look a bit like a nana’s shopping trolley, and for £234. Raphael and Adam’s skincare range for men of colour looked classy and seemed to be addressing a gap in the market. Lucy’s pill case was well-researched because it was based on her own experience – after surgery for pancreatic cancer, she has to take medication and couldn’t find anything suitable in which to keep it. “My biggest fear is letting a lack of confidence hold me back,” said Lucy, which is not what you would hear on The Apprentice.
Lord Sugar’s trusty aide, Claude Littner, revealed recently that he almost joined Dragons’ Den many years ago. The producers changed their minds at the last minute and said they needed to hire a woman instead (they chose Hilary Devey). You can imagine Littner watching this each week and feeling a little wistful. “That could have been me,” he must sigh, “working in an idiot-free zone.” The Dragons are a good mix of people, and a goodnatured bunch, who always treat the fledgling entrepreneurs with respect. Nobody scoffed at Jane the clairvoyant and her partner, who wanted £50,000 for their psychic wellness brand. Steven Bartlett said his girlfriend was into that sort of thing: “I’ll wake up sometimes and she’s sageing me.” Sage sticks can cleanse your aura, apparently. Let me know if they work.
It was such a productive episode of the show that not only did the Dragons do various deals, but Jones offered Lucy a job. A happy outcome all round.
The Apprentice ★★★ Dragons’ Den ★★★★