Way of theworld Michael Deacon

Bemusing though it may seem to the rest of us, these days Leftwing newspapers invariably refer to actresses as actors. This is because they consider the word “actress” to be sexist. At The Guardian, in fact, “actress” is officially banned. The only time it’s acceptable to use this appallingly outdated term, decrees the newspaper’s style guide, is when referring to “the name of an award, e.g. Oscar for Best Actress”.

Happily for Guardian journalists, however, the day may soon come when they no longer have to use it at all. Because the Oscar for Best Actress will no longer exist.

That, at any rate, is the view of Sir Sam Mendes, the director of American Beauty, Road to Perdition and two James Bond films (Skyfall and Spectre). In an interview with the BBC on Sunday, he said it’s “inevitable” that the Oscars will go gender-neutral – meaning there will no longer be separate awards categories for actors and actresses. Sir Sam added that he had “total sympathy” with this idea. Indeed, he described it as “perfectly reasonable”.

For the life of me, though, I can’t see what’s reasonable about it at all. In fact, reason doesn’t seem to come into it.

For one thing, hardly anyone would benefit. The only actors not served by the existing categories are those who identify as non-binary – that is, those who prefer to be referred to as “they” instead of “he” or “she”. The highestprofile example is The Crown’s Emma Corrin – who said last year that the current categories were insufficiently “inclusive”. But since so few other actors identify as nonbinary, it seems odd to make such a radical change, purely for the sake of such a tiny number. Especially as it will mean fewer categories – and thus fewer winners.

In any case, it’s obvious how going gender-neutral could backfire. If the awards for acting happen to go to men more often than to women, there will be outcry and furious accusations of sexism. So, by trying to avoid offending a very small group of people, the organisers could end up offending a far larger one. Thankfully, there is a simple solution. Keep the awards for Best Actor and Best Actress – but add an award for Best Non-binary, and give it to Emma Corrin every year. Then everyone will be happy.

If you’re already sick of your New Year diet, and can’t bear to look another kale smoothie in the face, don’t despair. Simply switch to the Deacon Diet. Radical, invigorating and far easier to stick to than conventional weight-loss plans, it consists of a strict regimen based around the following essential food groups.

Cakes, sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks and booze.

Of course, doctors will no doubt try to tell you that those items are somehow bad for you. Personally, though, I believe that consuming large quantities of sugar, fat and alcohol is in fact the key to a long and healthy life.

It stands to reason. After all, that’s what the world’s oldest people all seem to do.

The evidence is unignorable. Every time there’s a story in the papers about someone living past the age of 100, he or she is naturally asked for the secret of his or her longevity. And invariably, he or she will cite one or more key components of the Deacon Diet.

Take Bessie Hendricks, an Iowan woman who died last week at the age of 115. She attributed her longevity to her love of cakes, puddings and sweets.

There are countless similar examples. Elizabeth Sullivan, a Texan woman who made it to 106, said the reason she lived so long was drinking three cans of Dr Pepper a day. Ada Mason, a Yorkshirewoman who lived to 111, said her secret was eating bread and dripping every day “with lots of salt on”. Agnes Fenton, a New Jersey woman who lived to 112, claimed to have drunk three bottles of Miller High Life beer and a glass of Johnny Walker every day for 70 years. And Jeanne Calment of France – who lived to the world record age of 122 – drank a glass of port every day, and got through two pounds of chocolate a week.

My favourite example, though, is Richard Overton, a Texan who lived to 112. He proudly attributed his longevity to drinking whisky, eating ice cream – and smoking “between 12 and 18” cigars a day.

Magnificent. Yet for some reason our joyless, nagging doctors tell us to cut down on all these things.

Funnily enough, Bessie Hendricks – the Iowan cake-lover who died last week at 115 – had one other tip for living a long life. It was, “Stay away from doctors.”

These days, we often complain that it’s become almost impossible to get an appointment with a GP. But perhaps it will actually end up doing us good.