MPS walk a fine line in high heels before falling into the rabbit hole

When the Scottish Parliament passed its gender Bill, making an identity change easier and obtainable at a younger age, most of the SNP cared no more about the rights of trans people than they do the traffic in Timbuktu – but it made a minor difference in law betwixt Scotland and the UK, triggering a constitutional bust-up in the Commons. “This Tory Government make me sick to ma stomach!” yelled Hannah Bardell, blending William Wallace and Rupaul (an easy marriage: they both wore skirts). The Tories, assuming the SNP had finally overreached, sent in Alister Jack to assert that, while we all love trans people, this Bill has to be blocked on a purely “legal” basis.

So what are those legal objections, asked the SNP? You’ll just have to read the Government’s “statement of reasons” to see, said Mr Jack – again and again. It began to dawn that perhaps Mr Jack had himself not read it, and if he couldn’t think up any solid objections on the spot, what were some Tories’ real motivations?

“Homo-phobiaaaaa!” sang Labour’s Lloyd Russell-moyle, hitting an admirable high D. An emergency debate followed allowing discussion of the legal reasoning as it was hastily run off a photocopier – and Stephen Flynn, leader of the SNP, droned on about democracy to buy MPS time to read it.

Overwhelmed by the drama, Sir Peter Bottomley, Father of the House, appeared to fall asleep. If he did dream, one imagines him in a blue dress, tumbling down a hole into a Disunited Kingdom. The SNP says Scotland wants this, yet feminist critic Joanna Cherry was absent from the Commons.

Labour’s Ian Murray walked a fine line in wobbly high heels, prompting cries of “find a backbone!” But if Sir Keir Starmer won’t take a clear position, it’s because Labour MPS like Rosie Duffield delivered some of the fiercest broadsides against it, to groans from her own party. Karin Smith, an ally, said it was unacceptable to see a person defending women’s rights “constantly badgered”.

“Yes, by other women!” yelled the SNP – and they have a point. This is a Left vs even-more-left debate. The social conservative position – that if you redefine sex it’ll lead to all sorts of lunacy – was proved yet strangely abandoned years ago, making it very difficult today for liberals, Tory or Labour, to advance a coherent moral opposition when they randomly decide trans rights have gone “a bit too far”.

The SNP said Theresa May endorsed similar legislation in 2017, and that morning the Education Secretary suggested 16 is old enough to decide what gender you want to be – though the Tories won’t let kids vote at that age and, if Rishi gets his way, will force them to sit two more years of maths. The end-game for our liberal Wonderland is a classroom of breathtaking diversity, learning algebra at gunpoint. “If the father of the House were to awake from his slumber,” said Mr Flynn, irritably. “It is very distracting.” Dear old Sir Peter opened his eyes, blinking like a startled rabbit.