Political debate descends to trench warfare using rock, paper, scissors

Coming from the SNP, it was like hearing a fox expressing outrage about chicken welfare

‘He isn’t just for the free movement of people, he’s for the free movement of principles’

To the untrained eye, PMQS can seem a frenetic affair; heckles, excitable roaring worthy of a lion’s cage, irritable interventions from the Speaker, a few “winning” oneliners. Look below the surface, however, and the weekly knockabout is closer to trench warfare; mired in rhetorical sludge, with little ground gained or lost from one session to the next.

Even by its usual standards, yesterday’s session was an exceptionally low-wattage dust-up, like a game of rock, paper, scissors where nothing trumps anything else. The PM’S “why won’t he support our minimum safety legislation?” plays the Leader of the Opposition’s “when will he admit the NHS is in crisis?”; “Union paymasters!” plays “Same old Tories!” – yet nothing happens and nobody wins. If only our politicians would go on strike.

Sir Keir’s opening gambit; listing average delays for 999 calls around the country in real-time, was immediately derailed by heckling. “It’s three minutes past 12” he began, earnestly. “Well done!” yelled a rapier wit on the Conservative benches.

Scowling, Starmer continued: “If someone calls 999 now, when would the PM expect an ambulance to arrive?” He repeated this formula for various marginal seats. In Plymouth, Northampton and Peterborough, paramedics permanently procrastinate.

One part of the country he hadn’t mentioned was Labour-controlled Wales; where, we must remember, standards are even worse than in England. The Tory faithful seized on this as a winner. “Wales! Wales!” they crowed, insistent that things are equally appalling everywhere.

As Starmer described the condition of a heart-attack victim waiting for an ambulance, “Wales!” came the inevitable retort. They shouted it so many times, there were shades of Thomas More in A Man For All Seasons; (“But for Wales, Richard?”) Eventually, the PM followed the hecklers’ lead. “I notice the one place he didn’t mention was Wales”, he said silkily, triggering hyena-squawks from the Opposition.

Stephen Flynn, apparently still smarting from the Government’s veto of the Scotland gender recognition bill 24 hours earlier, looked even more dour than usual – resembling a disgruntled boiled egg. He accused the Government of “stoking culture wars”, which, coming from the SNP, was a bit like hearing a fox expressing outrage about chicken welfare. Was Scotland “on a slippery slope from devolution to direct rule?” he asked dramatically. We can but hope.

The Honourable Members slouched in their seats and scrolled through Twitter. A lone pop of excitement came from Alicia Kearns, perched imperiously on one of the upper benches in a bright red silk number worthy of a medieval jousting tournament. Several backbenchers gave Sadiq Khan a deserved booting for apparently manipulating the data to clobber London drivers with the ultra-low emissions zone.

Both sides had their high points – enough for either one to claim victory.

Starmer hushed the Commons with the tragic case of a young woman who had died while waiting for an ambulance. Sunak fared better on the offensive; concluding with a pointed dig at Starmer’s chameleon approach to Brexit, tuition fees and much else. “He isn’t just for the free movement of people, he’s for the free movement of principles.” The Tory benches erupted again. “Another one lost, Keir!” Another catchphrase; more cheers, more sound and fury signifying nothing.

Who won PMQS this week? As ever, a hands-down victory for the wise souls who didn’t tune in.