Way of theworld Michael Deacon

These days, publishing houses are all desperate to show how impeccably diverse and inclusive they are. Their rush to embrace different cultures, ethnicities and genders, however, may be having an unfortunate side-effect.

“A very prominent agent told me he couldn’t sell any books,” said Stephen Rubin, a consulting publisher for Simon & Schuster, at the weekend. “I asked why. He said, ‘Because I only represent old white guys.’”

Of course, liberal commentators would ridicule the idea that “old white guys” are somehow marginalised or under-privileged. All the same, it’s hard to avoid the impression that the publishing industry is undergoing a full-scale progressive revolution. At times, it feels as if modern publishers see books not as sources of intellectual enrichment or, heaven forfend, entertainment, but as the tools by which to bring about the social and political change their staff personally long for.

Hence the rise of “sensitivity readers”, who are employed to ensure that no offensive (i.e. nonprogressive) sentiments make their way into print. And it’s not just authors who can get in trouble for expressing the wrong opinions, either. Publishers themselves can, too. In 2021, Philip Gwyn Jones of Picador publicly suggested that he and his colleagues could have been more supportive of Kate Clanchy, a writer who’d been accused by Twitter users of employing racially insensitive language in a prize-winning memoir. Mere days later, Mr Gwyn Jones issued a grovelling apology for “the hurt” that his comments had caused.

“I now understand I must use my privileged position as a white middleclass gatekeeper with more awareness,” he whimpered, “to promote diversity, equity [and] inclusivity, as all UK publishing strives to put right decades of structural inequality…”

No one seems more eager to promote progressive values than the publishers of children’s books. Hence the proliferation of titles like A is for Activist, Antiracist Baby and Teach Your Dragon About Diversity. In a bookshop I visited in Whitstable last month, there was an entire section devoted to progressive children’s books, with titles such as Gender Swapped Greek Myths, Julian is a Mermaid, and ’Twas the Night Before Pride (its cover illustrated with a cartoon of beaming children and their parents at an LGBTQ+ march).

Among publishers of YA (young adult) novels, there appears to be a particular enthusiasm for progressive “reimaginings” of literary classics. Penguin has acquired a manuscript entitled Dan of Green Gables (“the story of a queer, half-mexican teenager named Dan who is forced to live with his grandparents in rural Tennessee”). Little, Brown, meanwhile, has bought Emmett, “a queer contemporary YA take on Jane Austen’s Emma”.

On the face of it, such trends would appear to offer little encouragement to “old white guys”. Personally, though, I think men of this description should stop feeling sorry for themselves – and instead remember the wise adage: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

For example, pitch a YA novel entitled Peter Pansexual. Or Pride Month & Prejudice. Or James Bondage.

Any of those should be snapped up.

And, if publishers are still reluctant to take on an “old white guy”, simply pitch the same book again under a pseudonym. In the sexist 19th century, female authors were forced to submit their work under male-sounding pseudonyms: Emily Brontë was “Ellis Bell”, Anne Brontë was “Acton Bell”, and Mary Ann Evans was “George Eliot”. So, in the woke 21st century, “old white guys” should follow their example, and submit their work under female-sounding pseudonyms.

Of course, once you start appearing in public at literary festivals, someone in the audience might point out that you aren’t a woman after all. But don’t worry. Just have the hateful bigot thrown out for refusing to respect your gender identity.

L ast year, in a noble effort to fight climate change, Cambridge city council announced plans to serve vegan food at civic events. Subsequently, however, councillors have discovered a small problem. People won’t eat it.

At the first civic event held since the decision, almost the entire vegan buffet was left untouched by guests. It ended up having to be thrown away.

Bad news for the council. But even worse news for the planet – because food waste is a major cause of climate change. “If food waste were a country,” the Guardian reported in 2021, “it would have the third biggest carbon footprint after the US and China.”

The lesson is inescapable. There’s only one way to save the planet. Give up veganism.