Doom-monger colleagues are what nobody needs at work
Workplace discrimination against gloomsters and doomsters, is it necessarily a bad thing? You know the ones; malcontents with never a good word to say, mumpy faces tripping anyone who passes by their desk, the milk of human kindness visibly curdling in their veins whenever there’s an office whip-round.
Whose heart hasn’t sunk at being stuck in a meeting – worse, a team-building exercise – with killjoy colleagues? They exist in a miasma of disappointment and respond to the most cursory “How are you?” with miserablist accounts of minor afflictions, broadband issues and nuisance builders.
What’s that you’re saying Dear Reader? Damn right we should discriminate! See, you’re not nearly as liberal as you feared. Phew. Me neither. New research from Grandma’s University of Egg-sucking in Toronto has revealed that smiling in an interview makes candidates more attractive, more likeable and, most saliently, more hireable. It doesn’t even need to be a proper Cheshire Cat version, a fake Insta-grin will do.
By contrast, earnest applicants who fail to muster a smile miss out, so logic dictates they ought to at least bare their teeth. Now, some might wonder whether that isn’t a little too prescriptive. Doesn’t it disadvantage those too serious, too stubborn and too emotionally unintelligent to turn on the semblance of charm for a prospective employer?
Let’s hope so. Frankly if a jobseeker can’t summon a pleasant expression for the man or woman who could be paying their salary what chance for the rank and file forced to rub shoulders with them every day? You don’t have to re-watch Fawlty Towers to know that misanthropes are bad for morale.
Which leads us inevitably to possible accusations of “discrimination” against life’s Moody Margarets and Weepy Williams. Cue a deep sigh of weltschmerz worthy of the pessimist’s pessimist, 19th century philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer himself, he of cheery assertions such as: “Almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people.” Especially if they’re sitting opposite, moaning about the Bank Holiday weather – last year.
It’s genuinely hard to remember how we occupied our time before getting offended by discrimination became a thing; medieval strip farming and stick whittling spring to mind. But now that it is with us, maybe we should reframe it as “affirmative action” in favour of those doughty souls who manage to stay buoyant and raise colleagues up rather than dragging everyone down with them.
Moderation is the byword, however. This is Britain after all. Nobody wants a beaming gladhanded Jim Carrey reprising The Truman Show every morning before the first coffee run. We much prefer a more measured optimism of the sort that raises a smile rather that the roof, pace AA Milne.
“‘It’s snowing still,’ said Eeyore gloomily.
‘So it is.’
‘And freezing.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yes,’ said Eeyore. ‘However,’ he said, brightening up a little, ‘we haven’t had an earthquake lately.’ ”
Mustn’t grumble. Can’t complain. Turned out nice again. Those are the mildly upbeat sentiments, the jaunty boosterism that will surely raise workplace spirits and maybe even productivity.
Even the stiffest upper lip can occasionally benefit from a smile.