Open goal for Mordaunt as Left-wingers ‘borrow from Lineker playbook’

Barely had Penny Mordaunt announced the weekly business than the heckling began. “Shame,” snarked someone on the Labour benches, at the first mention of the Illegal Migration Bill.

This was a sparsely-populated debate but Thangam Debonnaire, the Shadow Leader of the Commons, gave her usual vaudevillian turn, worthy of a sellout gig at the London Palladium or Blackpool Grand. It was all there, the dramatically pained expressions, the thespy over-enunciations: “We were told the bill would bbbbreak the business model… “Forty ththreee announcements… that then failed to tackle the channel crossings.” There was even audience participation; at one point, Debonnaire mimed pointing at her ear. “Are you listening?”, she yelled, leaning across at the Tory benches. It was hard not to.

Every week Debonnaire manages to be simultaneously cheery, sinister and passive-aggressive – imagine a GP’S receptionist doing panto in Broadmoor.

On Wednesday, Rachel Reeves had set up the ultimate open goal for Mordaunt, by condemning “the blokey culture that lets men dominate the top positions” in public life. After savaging Labour’s Khomeini-esque record on female leaders – “I hope for the Honourable Lady’s sake that changes soon” – Mordaunt moved on to Debonnaire’s main complaint: Channel migrants.

Mordaunt accused the Labour Party of “borrowing from the Gary Lineker playbook”. Which part was she referring to – scoring loads of goals, or infamously soiling himself in front of millions of people? In fact it was his remarks on migrants.

Labour, she continued, shooting a venomous side-eye at the opposition, “were a party of goal-hangers and the occasional Left-wing striker hanging around the goalmouth.”

Sadly for the football-agnostic among us, Parliament is impossible to follow nowadays without knowledge of the beautiful game. Deirdre Brock, the SNP’S spokesman, said she was on Team Lineker as far as Channel crossings were concerned and was appalled by the Prime Minister’s latest “stop the boats” slogan. “I’m sure that the sight of that lectern,” she gasped, “shook him as much as it shook me.” Whether we should trust the insights of a grown adult who claims to hyperventilate at office furniture is another matter.

Mordaunt promised to go easy on Brock, as she had great sympathy with the SNP’S ongoing travails. They’ve had a “rough old time of it … a rough old time”, she said. Then the savaging began in earnest. Given how easily they tee her up each Thursday, you’d be forgiven for thinking the SNP rather enjoy this weekly thrashing.

With International Women’s Day over, International Mansplaining Day could begin. Someone had clearly rattled the bars of Pete Wishart’s cot that morning, as he demanded a debate about Mordaunt’s abilities as Leader of the Commons.

“I’m always happy to receive feedback,” replied Mordaunt, with a single exquisite arch turn of the brow. “I shall do my best to do much, much better next week,” she said v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, as if addressing one of the remedial readers of Year Four.

Stephanie Peacock wondered why the Government hadn’t appointed an independent anti-slavery commissioner.

“Perhaps the Honourable Member could show me some HUMANITY in her answer,” she added.

That’ll do it, Stephanie. You can just imagine some Albanian warlord near Tirana calling in the trusted lieutenants of his people-smuggling outfit to tell them: “That’s it lads, we’ll have to wind in the operation, the MP for Barnsley East has called for the appointment of an independent commissioner.”

Given the quality of questions posed to the Leader of the House it’s a testament to her poise and benevolence that she manages to show any humanity at all.

‘It is a testament to her poise and benevolence that she manages to show any humility at all’