Don’t be seduced by Manu’s Gallic charm, Rishi

The president and the PM met in Paris, beneath soft light streaming through coloured glass. A waiter in tails poured tumblers of water, and though he did not smooth out a tablecloth, nor light a candle, the assembled press began to wonder if they were intruding. This was not a press conference, it was a seduction.

“One thing you can’t control is who you get as an international counterpart,” said Rishi. “I am very excited to be in office alongside you, and incredibly excited about the future we can build together.”

Macron smiled. The PM blushed. The waiter took out his accordion. As

Emmanuel reeled off areas of bilateral co-operation that sounded suspiciously sexy – “strengthen our capabilities”, “mastery of our sea bed” – Rishi gave way to l’amour.

He thought: “My gosh, he’s goodlooking. And my height, too. This is the first foreign leader I’ve negotiated with without getting a crick in my neck.”

It’s not just these raw physical details that draw Rishi and Manu together, but also Sunak’s knack of not being Boris Johnson. It’s only now that Bojo is out of office that one realises how much of Britain’s isolation was his fault, either because the Europeans hated him or his eccentricity got in the way of ordinary business.

Finally, a press conference at which the British journalists don’t confuse their hosts by asking their prime minister to confirm or deny reports that he stole an ice cream van and drove it around Piccadilly singing Knees Up Mother Brown.

As Rishi took his turn to speak, Emmanuel watched him, thinking, “My gosh, I am good-looking. And this Englishman might be on the short side, but at least he’s not that idiot Johnson.”

Rishi won’t recite racist poetry. Rishi won’t accidentally declare war on Denmark. So dramatic is the change in British language towards Europe – “An entente renewed!” – that it’s starting to sound less like 2020, when we left, and more like 1973, when we were excited to join. Ukraine has brought us so close to the continent now, I wouldn’t be surprised if within 10 years we haven’t joined Erasmus, then the EU, then the Euro – a transition smoothed by the Gallic charms of Mr Macron.

As the conference ended, Sunak was so overwhelmed by the smell of Dior aftershave and garlic, that he went in for a handshake that turned into a hug, and nearly into a kiss – but Macron gently pushed him away. Money first. Fun later.

See, Macron might be getting the restaurant bill for this trip – a classic con man’s opening gambit – but the PM has also agreed to hand over £500 million to help the French police to do their job and stop the boats.

Exploitation starts with these small gifts, but next thing you’re buying the French president suits, platform shoes, even a car – until one day you realise you’re not the first international counterpart he’s played footsie with, and you won’t be the last. I’m told Macron was spotted on holiday in Tenerife with Justin Trudeau. Please, Rishi, do not be a victim.

I wouldn’t be surprised if within 10 years we haven’t joined Erasmus, then the EU, then the Euro