Way of theworld Michael Deacon
If you’re currently expecting your first child, please allow me to give you my number one piece of parenting advice. It’s this. Never listen to parenting advice. The people who offer it to you may mean well. But once you’ve actually got children of your own you’ll almost certainly find their advice annoying. Partly this is because you’ve had so little sleep, and therefore find everything annoying. But mainly it’s because raising a child is difficult enough without being constantly made to feel as if you’re doing it wrong.
I sympathise, therefore, with any parents whose children go to the chain of nurseries known as Bright Horizons. According to a report in a Sunday newspaper, Bright Horizons is promoting a “woke handbook” that lectures parents on how to raise “strong and confident girls”. I’ve now read it myself on the Bright Horizons website. And frankly, I found it bewildering.
According to this guide, the most important thing to remember when raising girls – who, as the guide helpfully explains, are “children who identify as female” – is that you mustn’t make them conform to gender stereotypes.
Fair enough. But then you read the guide’s advice on how to go about it. It doesn’t sound at all easy. For one thing, you must “fill your home with books, toys and decor that do not conform to specific gender roles” – for example, by buying “books about female construction workers”. How many such books are on the market, I don’t know, and sadly the guide’s authors don’t cite any specific titles. Perhaps they could write one.
It’s equally vital never to tell your daughter off for being “bossy”, because she’s simply demonstrating “the budding leadership skills of a possible future CEO”. More puzzlingly, the guide also urges you to avoid “labelling her behaviour as ‘good’”, or “congratulating her when she does something perfectly”. Instead, argues the guide, the best way to boost your daughter’s confidence is actually to “celebrate her mistakes and failures”.
What exactly this entails, I’m not sure. Perhaps baking her a cake decorated with the words “Well done on flunking your GCSES”.
The most surprising rule you need to follow if you want to raise a strong and confident girl, however, is as follows. Don’t tell her that she looks pretty.
Apparently, the reason for this is that, in our sexist society, girls and women are judged far too often on their appearance, so we should stop doing it. I do take the point. On the other hand, surely there must be times when it’s actually good to tell your daughter that she looks pretty. Indeed, hurtful not to.
“Here I am, Mum – all ready to go to the school prom. I’m so nervous. How do I look?”
“You look as if you have a lovely personality, dear.”
The guide offers one other piece of advice about body-image. “Instead of mentioning the size or weight of your body in front of your daughter,” it says, “talk about it in terms of strength, comfort, health, and gratitude for how it carries you through your day.”
I wish the authors had provided examples of how to do this. Particularly the last item on the list. Because
I really can’t work out what it means.
“You know, darling, society tries to make women feel insecure about their bodies. But I’ve always loved my legs.” “Why’s that, Mum?” “Because they enable me to achieve forward motion by means of a process known as ‘walking’.”
Suella Braverman has told the police to stop wasting so much time tackling “non-crime hate incidents”: for example, politically incorrect tweets. Officers, says the Home Secretary, “must always have freedom of expression at the forefront of their minds”.
Quite right. And most police officers, I suspect, privately agree. After all, they’ve got far more serious offences they need to investigate. Such as all the ones committed by their colleagues.
Anyway, “non-crime hate incidents” should never have been a matter for the police in the first place.
The clue is in the name. “Non-crime.” No wonder so few thieves and muggers get caught these days, when officers are forced to spend so much of their time investigating a non-crimewave of non-crimes committed by non-criminals.
Then again, the obsession with “non-crime hate incidents” can have its uses. If you’ve been burgled, but the police can’t be bothered sending anyone to your house, you can always try going on Twitter and posting a message deliberately calculated to offend as many users as possible. “I like JK Rowling”, say, or “I support the Government’s new policy on immigration.” A policeman should be on your doorstep in no time.