‘Olive’ Dowden makes Rishi look like Rambo as Rayner’s barbs go blunt

Rishi Sunak is hardly known for his thrusting, toxically masculine aggression at PMQS but Oliver Dowden yesterday succeeded in making him look like Rambo. They might as well have put a sign up in the lobby saying: “In this production of PMQS, the role of Prime Minister will be played by Charles Hawtrey.” The Deputy PM’S attempts at playing the hard man were made all the funnier by the fact that his nickname is “Olive”.

Angela Rayner, perhaps missing the frisson of sexual tension she used to have with the pulsating vein on the side of Dominic Raab’s forehead, was on aggressive form; a usually gregarious barmaid turned angry at chucking-out time, which as she reminded the House, had nearly arrived for the Government.

“When will waiting lists FALL,” she bellowed at the weedy Dowden with all the social nicety of an on-heat elk bellowing across the tundra.

Yet Dowden astonishingly breezed through the first exchanges. He compared Rayner and Starmer’s tense working relationship to that of another troubled television double-act: “They’re the Phil and Holly of British politics!” (Although unlike Holly and Phil, it probably won’t be the man who gets dropped this time.)

He confessed himself “surprised” not to see Starmer’s choice for next deputy PM at the Dispatch Box – namely, Liberal Democrat leader Sir Ed Davey. The Tory backbenchers frantically cheered Dowden’s tribute to the absent PM, away at the G7 summit in Japan. After the local elections, methinks they did protest too much.

For Rayner, the Tories were trapped in a “conveyor belt of crisis”, presiding over a “carnival of conspiracy”. This orgy of alliteration was topped off with some bizarre throwbacks to 2016 and 2008, where Ma Rayner accused the Tories of being both a Trump tribute act and “for the bankers”. And you thought panto was stale and predictable. Still, she at least touched on some issues relating to the general public, such as hospital waiting lists.

By contrast, Dowden assumed the Government’s standard Michael Fish position – implacable in the face of a raging blizzard of bad news. “Mr Speaker, we have one of the fastest growth rates in the whole of the G7,” he trilled complacently.

Meanwhile, his voice rose higher and higher – with correspondingly camper soundbites.

“This comprehensive schoolboy is not going to take any lectures from the party opposite,” he squeaked, in a reedy tenor that only the dogs could hear. By now we’d gone from Olive to full panto dame.

Sir Desmond Swayne arose with a maniacal glint in his eye to ask, Mrs Merton-style, “what could possibly be Labour’s motive” in proposing to give EU nationals the vote.

Out came Widow Twankey again, plodding towards her sing-song finale; “While the Conservatives stop the boats, Labour rig the votes!”.

A full-throated cheer for a statement only half-true.