Undertaker of Holyrood buried alive under yet another sleaze scandal

So much mud has stuck, and in so many layers, that the SNP are essentially a case study for a geography field-trip

Defending the SNP’S record on delivery of public services these days is a bit like doing PR for Prince Andrew

The presiding officer opened First Minister’s Questions by welcoming the speaker of the National Assembly of Malawi, and the head of the Palestinian mission, to the viewing gallery. I could see why someone with first-hand experience of an irreconcilably toxic sectarian situation might be interested in the Scottish Parliament, but God only knows what the Malawian speaker was doing there. Yesterday’s storm in a Tay-cup concerned Jenny Gilruth – a former transport minister, accused of breaking the ministerial code and costing Scottish taxpayers £1million after delaying railway works that would have inconvenienced her constituents.

In the grand scheme of SNP woes – auditors, ferries, fears of another biologically male rapist being released into a female prison – this seemed pretty small beer; enough to rank almost as a good day at the office. Nevertheless, Douglas Ross, the Scots Tory leader, got stuck in with gusto.

Humza Yousaf ’s response – which he spent mostly staring mournfully at the floor, like a wronged spinster – was a wordy circumlocution. “He is making very serious accusations indeed and if there are any accusations of the ministerial code being broken they will be investigated, and that’s an accusation Douglas Ross is making.” Well I’m glad that’s all cleared up.

The undertaker of Holyrood sat morose and silent throughout the next verbal battering; even as Ross brandished emails received under Freedom of Information requests, and began waving them around for dramatic effect. Meanwhile, Gilruth, positioned right behind the First Minister, mouthed an irate monologue into the void until shushed by the presiding officer.

Yousaf promised to look into all accusations thoroughly, then claimed to have investigated the allegations earlier that morning. Farewell, logical progression of time, it was nice knowing you, but we’re in Humza’s world now.

Eventually, the First Minister snapped and accused Ross of “throwing as much mud as possible to see what sticks”. Unfortunately for Yousaf by this point so much has stuck, and in so many different layers, that the SNP are essentially a case study for a geography field-trip.

Humza finished up by accusing Ross of being “undoubtedly desperate”. The SNP backbenchers suddenly snapped to attention at this, clapping like a crack squad of performing seals. Nevertheless, they looked glum.

Liz Smith, a Scottish Conservative MSP, asked what the First Minister made of a recent poll suggesting that a third of people in Scotland would consider relocating elsewhere in the UK if Scotland’s income taxes were increased even further.

Defending the SNP’S record on delivery of public services these days is a bit like trying to flog tropical beach holidays in Aberdeen, or doing PR for Prince Andrew. So, instead, the ever-glowering Yousaf boasted of Scotland’s good fortune in having “the fairest and most progressive tax system in the UK”. Lucky old Scottish taxpayers. In these hands, who wouldn’t want to pay more?